Here’s a reality: I adore my mom.
And here’s another reality: I’m petrified of becoming her.
This might sound harsh or even ungrateful, considering what a remarkable mother she has been. She divorced my father when my brother and I were just toddlers. After he left, she single-handedly raised us. Juggling three jobs, she ensured we never went hungry. She established rules and offered forgiveness for our mistakes. She motivated us to strive for greatness.
To achieve all this, she sacrificed every aspect of her own life for my brother and me. Rarely did she go out, pursue personal interests, or find her identity beyond being a “single mom.” She devoted everything to us, and in the process, neglected to lay the groundwork for her own future, especially now that my brother and I are adults, each with our own families.
Now, she thrives on stories and visits with her grandchildren, which we try to organize regularly. In the meantime, she occupies her days with quiet activities. However, she lacks meaningful friendships, hobbies, or ambitions to pursue at this stage in her life. And there seems to be no desire to change that. Often, she is alone, content to await our next visit or update. From where I stand, it appears profoundly lonely.
Looking at her life feels like a preview of a path I’m speeding toward. And it terrifies me.
Recently, I separated from my partner, and he is no longer in the picture. I’m left to care for my two daughters on my own. All their needs, both financial and emotional, will be my responsibility. This mirrors the life my mother led at around my current age.
I understand the immense dedication a single mother must have to merely keep her head above water. I know the blood, sweat, and tears it takes to nurture two children into becoming good people. I’ll give everything, just as my mother did for my brother and me. My daughters deserve nothing less.
Yet, I can’t help but reflect on my mother’s current life and realize I do not want that future. I dread history repeating itself, of giving everything and having nothing left. Even though it’s a life that suits her, one she finds happiness in, and even though she has earned the right to enjoy this time after years of struggle, I know I wouldn’t be happy in her shoes. I need to establish a foundation for my future, one that exists “after” my children have grown and are busy creating their own lives.
I must invest time now in nurturing friendships for later. I need to focus on building the life that will come next. That means I need to carve out time and energy for my own interests and future—time my mother never claimed for herself.
So how do I reconcile this? How can I give as much as she did without losing myself entirely? How can I find that delicate, seemingly impossible balance?
I could offer them everything and patiently wait for my turn to come a decade from now. Life doesn’t end in your forties when the kids head off to college. In fact, many stories suggest it only gets better from there. Yet, patience has never been my strong suit.
Ultimately, the answer lies in moving away from the search for balance. I must embrace the idea that keeping a part of “me” means not sacrificing everything. Motherhood shouldn’t be the ultimate sacrifice. You don’t have to give up everything to be a good mom—even a single one—who raises kind children, sets rules, and encourages them to excel.
I also need to step back from fearing I’ll end up like my mother and instead allow her the grace to enjoy her life as it is. She is happy and fills her days with things that bring her joy. Perhaps she is living the life she always envisioned for herself.
I often think my mother fell into her life unintentionally. I tell myself she didn’t realize that by giving us so much, she would have nothing left for herself. But I never bothered to ask if that was true. Maybe she knew exactly what she was doing, balancing her own needs with the best for her children.
If that’s the case, then maybe there’s a lot I can learn from her.
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Summary: The author expresses love for her mother while fearing the possibility of becoming like her in the future. Reflecting on her mother’s sacrifices and current life, she grapples with finding a balance between giving to her children and maintaining her identity. Ultimately, she realizes that motherhood should not mean sacrificing one’s own dreams and needs, and seeks to learn from her mother’s choices.