Parenting
By Taylor J.
Updated: May 13, 2020
Originally Published: November 29, 2017
At just 15 years old, I found myself facing an unexpected pregnancy. The father, Jake, was my best friend, but we were both in a tumultuous emotional state. I was in residential treatment when I learned the news, and it was utterly frightening. Breaking the news to my mother was one of the most challenging moments of my life, and telling Jake’s parents was equally daunting.
After lengthy discussions with my mom, I opted to create an adoption plan. My mother had her first child at 14, and while she reassured me that I hadn’t derailed her life, I knew firsthand that being a young parent was incredibly tough. I wanted my daughter to have opportunities that I felt I couldn’t provide. While financial support was available from Jake’s family, my deepest desire was for my daughter to grow up with two married parents who were emotionally stable and capable of nurturing her in every way.
We connected with an adoption agency and began the process. We carefully chose a couple to adopt our child—a neurosurgeon and a psychiatric nurse practitioner who intended to stay at home for the first year, with the father planning to take three months of parental leave to bond with the baby. They had a solid five-year marriage, a dog, a cat, and even a lizard. Most importantly, they shared our values regarding equality, and their mixed-race background resonated with Jake, a transracial adoptee.
We had several meetings with the couple, enjoying dinners, park visits, and even a tour of their home. I was invited to the baby shower and attended with joy. Our adoption plan was open; we agreed on bi-monthly visits and weekly text or email updates. This arrangement felt like a dream come true for many birth parents, and Jake and I worked through our feelings with a therapist, even attending couples counseling.
When Everything Changed
Everything seemed to be falling into place until my daughter arrived.
When little Lucy Mae was born, weighing just six pounds, I was struck by her beauty. Holding her for the first time, I realized that letting her go would be unbearable. As the nurse placed her in Jake’s arms, his tear-filled gaze communicated what we both felt: “We can’t give her up.” Those five words made me confront one of the hardest decisions of my life. I had to inform the adoptive parents, who were excited and prepared, that I was choosing to keep my daughter.
Breaking the news to the woman I envisioned as Lucy’s mother was heartbreaking. I could barely meet her eyes as she cried, and I felt immense sorrow for her. But the thought of parting with my daughter, my own flesh and blood, felt impossible. The reality was that many people fail to understand the emotional turmoil faced by biological parents who change their minds about adoption. Yes, it’s devastating for prospective adoptive parents to have their hopes dashed, but the bond formed during pregnancy and childbirth creates an indescribable connection. The thought of severing that bond was beyond painful.
The Fallout
The fallout from terminating the adoption plan was difficult. I later discovered that the prospective adoptive couple had blocked me on social media and shared negative comments about me and Jake, labeling us as “poor, troubled teenagers” unfit for parenthood. Their anger was understandable, yet the personal attacks were unexpected and hurtful.
Despite the challenges, Jake and I made a commitment to give Lucy the best life possible. Now, three years later, I am nearing graduation from high school, with plans to attend Berkeley College of Music in Boston, while Jake will be going to Boston College. Our future looks bright, supported by family and friends in the area, including my girlfriend, who attends MIT. We have secured a wonderful daycare and an excellent preschool for Lucy when she turns four.
Though Jake and I are not romantically involved, we maintain a strong friendship and co-parenting relationship. Lucy will grow up in a loving environment with two parents who care for each other, even if they aren’t married. She will have a stepmom (or two, as I identify as bisexual) and a network of people who love her unconditionally.
Final Thoughts
This journey has been wild, but I have never regretted my decision to keep Lucy. She is my entire world, my lifeline, and my reason for living. Imagining life without her is as impossible as imagining life without air.
For anyone considering home insemination or adoption, there are resources available to help you navigate your journey. Check out this excellent resource on pregnancy and home insemination for more information. You can also explore the at-home insemination kit for insights into self-insemination. Additionally, TFP Belfast Fertility provides valuable expertise on these topics.
In summary, my experience has taught me that the bond between a mother and her child is profound and cannot be easily severed. My decision to keep Lucy has brought me joy and purpose, and I have no regrets.