A telling trait of my husband is that, amidst the family frenzy, he never neglects to brew himself a cup of coffee. Whether it’s a chaotic school morning when we’ve all overslept or the frantic few minutes before breakfast, when only a bowl of oatmeal stands between us and an irritable preschooler, my wonderful husband always makes time to get caffeinated.
Over our eight years of parenthood, he has been an equal partner in caregiving. From calming newborns at all hours to washing breast pump gear, creating Halloween costumes, baking birthday cakes, packing lunches, and mastering the curling iron, he’s fully engaged in raising our daughters. Yet, he somehow manages to prioritize his own well-being while caring for our children. I, on the other hand, have not been so successful.
By 7:00 AM, while my husband has completed his workout on the treadmill, I’m two floors up, contorting to free my 3-year-old’s foot from my ribcage. As he showers and dresses, I’m busy dragging kids from bed to bathroom, brushing tiny teeth, and wrestling our youngest into her clothes. As the minutes tick away, I field relentless questions, break up squabbles, and search for the missing items we need. Like mothers everywhere, I’m a whirlwind of activity—with no focus on my own needs.
Somewhere along the journey of motherhood, I’ve adopted the mindset that my time comes last. While I usher everyone out the door each morning, I set aside my own needs. I skip getting dressed, forget breakfast, and often don’t even get a chance to use the bathroom until my kids are on their way to school. I could be one misstep away from a toddler-like accident in the kitchen, yet I’d still prioritize finding that elusive sock.
I’m not alone in this. Many mothers push their own needs to the back burner, subscribing to the age-old belief of the self-sacrificing mother. It begs the question: why do we continue this tradition? In an era of capable partners, why do we treat our needs as secondary? Is it merely a case of following in the footsteps of our mothers and grandmothers? If so, it’s high time we break the cycle and stop pretending we don’t have needs that are just as valid as anyone else’s.
This is where the self-care industry often falls short. We’re bombarded with lengthy articles about the importance of “filling our own cups” or putting on our “oxygen masks” first. Yet the solutions often come with a price tag and demands on our time. In reality, the answer may be simpler: we just need to address our needs as they arise, even if it means enduring a little whining from the kids. In essence, perhaps we should learn to take care of ourselves like dads do. We don’t require extravagant spa days; we simply need to remember to prioritize ourselves in small, impactful ways—like taking a moment to use the bathroom when we need to.
What does this entail? It might mean teaching our kids to wait if you’re parenting solo, or leaning on your partner even if it means they may not do it perfectly. There’s nothing inherent in motherhood that makes us better caregivers; these skills are learned. Take my husband’s hair-styling abilities as an example.
When our oldest was 3, I had to travel for work several times. During those stretches, my husband handled the task of washing and styling her long, golden hair, which was often tangled. He figured it out, even if she looked a bit disheveled initially. Now, after years of practice, he can style hair like a pro.
The takeaway here is that to genuinely care for ourselves, we must be willing to relinquish some control. This might mean allowing our kids to navigate the world with messy hair or enduring their impatience for a few moments. We need to support each other in making small, meaningful changes. It could be as straightforward as reminding our potty-training toddlers: when you have to pee, just go to the f*@#ing bathroom.