I glanced down to see small drops of blood gradually staining the toilet water, transforming it into a shade reminiscent of a teacher’s red ink. I was only seven weeks along, and panic surged through me as I stared at the blood-streaked toilet paper. My hands trembled as I called for my partner. He quickly urged me to put on my sneakers; we were heading to the emergency room. Just before I climbed into the car, I clutched his arm and cried, “I want this baby!” “I know,” he replied, helping me into the seat.
This was my first pregnancy, and I had never longed for anything so deeply.
Emergency Room Visit
At the ER, the doctor examined me and, as he removed his bloodied gloves, informed us that we’d need a transvaginal ultrasound to investigate further. “The technician won’t disclose any findings or whether there’s a heartbeat. You’ll have to wait for the doctor,” the nurse cautioned. In the dimly lit ultrasound room, I watched the technician’s serious expression as she navigated her screen, my heart racing.
She paused and glanced at me while I silently cried, tears streaming down my cheeks. My partner held my hand tightly, his face tight with emotion. “Oh, dear,” she said sympathetically. “Look, it’s okay. There’s the heartbeat. There’s your baby.” She turned the screen so I could see the flickering black shape. The relief was so immense that words escaped me.
Despite the joy of hearing that heartbeat, they could not explain the bleeding. They handed me a glossy black-and-white photo of the blob and sent me home. I proudly displayed it on our fridge, marveling at it whenever I reached for a snack, secured with four little magnets to keep it safe.
Recurring Bleeding
A week later, the bleeding returned.
This time, I went to the labor and delivery unit, where they reassured me once again that everything was fine. They handed me another image of the now slightly larger blob and sent us home.
As my anxiety about carrying this child grew heavier, my mother flew across the country to take me out for tea, hoping to soothe my nerves. When I requested some time off from work to spend with her, I admitted to my boss, “Not really. I think I’m losing my mind.” The bleeding persisted throughout my pregnancy, as did my anxiety, but I also grappled with guilt and shame.
I felt bad for frequently leaving work for hospital visits. My partner, who accompanied me to every appointment, had to explain to his bosses why he missed client meetings. I felt embarrassed for my fear, experiencing a mix of dread and humiliation each time I went in. Then, one doctor changed everything.
A Turning Point
During my fifteenth emergency visit, I learned the on-call doctor was an older male. Not my ideal choice, but I had to proceed. After examining me and confirming my baby girl was doing well, I found myself apologizing for my frequent visits, nervously joking about wasting everyone’s time.
He paused, scooted his chair closer, and said, “No one here thinks you’re overreacting. This is your baby. Do whatever helps you feel better. Pregnancy is frightening; no one will judge you for wanting to ensure your child is okay.” His words struck a chord; they liberated me, giving me permission to advocate for myself and my child. I realized I wasn’t being irrational; I was simply being a mother, albeit a new one.
Reflections
By the end of my pregnancy, I had collected 22 different images of my child. My fridge became a chaotic collage of overlapping ultrasound photos. Eventually, I replaced them with a vibrant picture of my daughter swaddled in a ducky blanket at the hospital. Yet, I never forgot the images I had packed away or the courage it took to confront my fears and seek help. I hold onto the doctor’s empowering words.
Today, I want to share them with you: If you find yourself bleeding, scared, or uncertain, remember—this is your baby. Do whatever it takes to feel secure. Pregnancy can be daunting; no one will judge you for wanting to ensure your child is alright. For more information on pregnancy, check out this excellent resource.
If you’re interested in lifestyle changes during this journey, visit this link for great insights. You can also explore more from the experts at Intracervical Insemination for guidance on this topic.
In summary, my experience taught me the importance of listening to my instincts as a parent and the value of seeking support during a challenging time.