The moment I came to terms with the reality that my child might be perceived as difficult marked a significant shift in my journey as a parent. It was a day filled with unexpected emotions, where I found myself grappling with feelings of shame regarding my daughter’s behavior. I began to question whether the issue lay with her or with me, the one who brought her into this world and is tasked with nurturing her into a compassionate individual.
It was an ordinary day, one that started like any other. We were hosting a playdate with familiar friends, children we had welcomed into our home numerous times. My five-year-old daughter was playing tag with her four-year-old friend, and when she struggled to catch up, she fell to the ground, pouting and near tears, declaring, “I can’t catch you! You have to slow down! You have to! I won’t play anymore if you don’t!” At that moment, I sighed, a familiar response to her antics, and glanced at her friend, who was typically cheerful and accommodating. In that instant, the truth I had been contemplating for months struck me with undeniable clarity: my child is not the easiest to like.
This behavior isn’t an isolated incident; it’s a frequent occurrence. No matter the setting—whether she’s at home with her siblings, out in public, or with friends—my daughter often takes on the role of the bossy instigator. She throws tantrums in stores over things we don’t even buy, like a gymnastics leotard (which she doesn’t participate in!). Her emotional outbursts are reminiscent of the terrible twos, characterized by disrespect, moodiness, and an inability to share. She’s stubbornly fixated on her own desires, and if things don’t align with her expectations, she becomes manipulative and self-centered. Labels can be limiting, but it’s hard to deny that she is spirited, strong-willed, and, to some extent, a brat. Interactions outside our home feel like navigating a minefield, with unpredictable outcomes lurking behind every corner.
This creates a conundrum for me as a parent who strives to be a people-pleaser. While I endeavor to be kind and accommodating, I can’t help but feel frustrated that my child does not embody these qualities. Many have assured me that things would improve as she outgrew her toddler years, yet, in my experience, that has not been the case. Instead, her outbursts have simply evolved in volume and vocabulary. While I want to embrace her uniqueness, I can’t help but wish she exhibited some of the sweetness and amiability found in other children.
To those who encounter my spirited, big-eyed child, I understand if you don’t take to her immediately. I often struggle with it myself. As her mother, I love her deeply; I’ve witnessed her at her most beautiful. I see the potential she embodies. I admire her attempts to elicit laughter from her baby brother, her gentle affection towards our dog, and her confident demeanor in unfamiliar settings. I cherish the moments when she whispers “I love you” to her baby sister or politely introduces herself to strangers, showcasing a courage I wish I possessed. I am blessed with countless hugs, kisses, and heartfelt creations from her, reminding me of her intrinsic goodness.
However, your time with her may only be fleeting. You might find yourself navigating her sharp comments or mediating disputes over toys. I apologize for this; I am genuinely trying my best as a parent. I choose to believe she is also making an effort. On particularly good days, I’ve witnessed her holding back words she knows I wouldn’t approve of, which gives me a glimmer of hope that she will mature into a person of integrity—something I strive to cultivate in her.
Maybe, one day, the thought of hosting a playdate won’t fill me with dread. Until then, I encourage you to teach your children to stand up for themselves around her. It’s perfectly fine if they assert themselves—my daughter needs friends, but she also requires a dose of humility. My attempts at guidance, whether through gentle reminders or firm reprimands, have only gone so far. Perhaps peer interactions will offer the necessary lessons that I have struggled to impart.
A parent can hope, right?
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Summary
The author reflects on the challenges of parenting a child who exhibits difficult behaviors, grappling with feelings of shame and frustration while also recognizing her child’s potential for kindness. She conveys a sense of hope for her child’s future while navigating the complexities of raising a spirited child.