Parenting Insights
By Jamie Thompson
Updated: Feb. 5, 2020
Originally Published: Jan. 4, 2015
One night, my kids returned home exclaiming, “It’s astonishing how many teens feel resentment toward their parents!” This sparked a lengthy discussion, and over the past few months, I’ve spoken with various teenagers to gain deeper insights.
The good news is that most teens are quite forgiving of their parents’ mistakes; they often acknowledge their own flaws and are quick to forgive others. In a healthy relationship, teens appreciate you for who you are. Sure, they may cringe when you hug them in front of their friends or when you drop them off at school, but they genuinely don’t care if you’re a bit out of shape, dressed poorly, or sporting outdated fashion trends.
While we might recognize our own shortcomings in the following points, it’s essential to see this as a chance for growth rather than a reason to criticize ourselves. Building a solid relationship with your teenager requires effort, and good communication can be life-changing. Major issues can often be resolved when the relationship is strong, but even minor misunderstandings can escalate into significant problems when interactions are fraught with tension.
- Failing to Listen
Years ago, I received invaluable advice: “Once your child hits 13 or 14, they know your opinions on everything. Your new role is to listen.” Initially, I felt defensive—how could I keep my wisdom to myself? However, I’ve learned that as adults, we often miss the mark about the ever-evolving teenage landscape. When you genuinely listen, your kids will seek your input. - Over-Criticism
While some degree of correction is necessary in parenting, excessive criticism can be harmful. It’s our duty to guide our children in various aspects of life, but reminders should be given with love and moderation. Teenagers already face daily scrutiny from teachers and peers; home should be a sanctuary of support. - Interrogating Them
While questioning may seem like a way to engage, it can feel more like an interrogation to teens. Instead of bombarding them with queries about their whereabouts or companions, ask one or two questions and then allow space for them to share. Silence can foster deeper conversations, so when the dialogue slows, simply state, “I’m here to listen.” - Sharing Embarrassing Stories Publicly
It’s all too common to hear parents venting about their kids in social settings. Imagine how you would feel if your parents aired your flaws in front of others. Treating children poorly often leads them to feel disconnected from their parents. As one teenager mentioned, “My parents’ home is just a place to sleep; why would I want to be in a place where I’m constantly criticized?” - Labeling Their Behavior
It’s easy to stereotype teenagers as reckless or lazy, but many are managing complex lives admirably. They often juggle responsibilities, from academics to extracurricular activities. Instead of generalizing, let’s acknowledge their efforts and give them a bit of grace. - Choosing the Wrong Battles
Parents often focus on trivial issues, such as what their teen eats. With so many significant challenges in their lives, the choice of vegetable should be the least of your concerns. Granting teens some autonomy will encourage them to be receptive to your guidance on more critical matters. - Expecting Immediate Compliance
Many parents demand instant action from their children, which is unrealistic. Just as we would appreciate time to wrap up our tasks, teenagers deserve the same consideration. - Invading Their Privacy
As children grow, they naturally seek more independence and private space. This desire doesn’t indicate mistrust or wrongdoing. Respecting their need for solitude is crucial for a healthy relationship. - Maintaining Constant Distrust
If you approach parenting with a mindset of suspicion, your teen might be driven to rebel. Establishing safeguards is essential, but fostering a relationship of trust is equally important. It’s possible to supervise without creating an atmosphere of fear. - Being Reluctant to Apologize
Some parents struggle to say “I’m sorry,” fearing it diminishes their authority. However, acknowledging your mistakes can strengthen your bond. Apologizing sets an example for your children, encouraging them to practice humility and forgiveness. - Prioritizing Material Things Over Their Feelings
Teens dislike when they feel overlooked in favor of phones, cars, or other distractions. Even when you must take a call while driving, being mindful and apologizing can go a long way in making them feel valued. - Nitpicking Their Appearance
Teenagers are often sensitive about their looks. While guidance is necessary, persistent criticism can damage self-esteem. Establishing family standards for grooming can help without making it personal. - Comparing Them to Others
It’s easy to fall into the trap of comparing your children to peers or siblings. This behavior can be detrimental and hurtful. Consider how you’d feel if someone made such comparisons about you. - Setting Unrealistic Expectations
Watching parents berate their children for not excelling in sports or arts is disheartening. It’s essential to remember that your love for them does not depend on their achievements. Your support is what truly matters.
If you’ve gotten this far, it’s evident that you care deeply about fostering a loving family environment. We all have instincts that often surpass advice found in parenting books. Remember, both you and your teenager are on a learning journey, and offering patience, forgiveness, and humor can be transformative.
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Summary: Building a strong relationship with your teenager requires active listening, avoiding excessive criticism, and respecting their privacy. It’s vital to prioritize connection over criticism, allowing space for independence while offering guidance. By fostering an environment of trust, understanding, and forgiveness, you can cultivate a loving and supportive relationship with your teen.