A few weeks back, I accidentally bumped into a woman with a revolving door at our local fitness center. I truly wish I could say it was intentional, but it was purely a mishap. Juggling a baby in one arm and a folded stroller in the other left me a bit clumsy. As I was pushing the door with my shoulder, a man behind me, eager to start his workout, pushed it with force. The lady in front of me stepped out but didn’t completely clear the path, resulting in my door slamming into her side.
“Oh my gosh, I’m really sorry!” I exclaimed reflexively. Instead of accepting my apology, she leaned in and shouted, “NEXT TIME BE MORE CAREFUL!” People around us either rolled their eyes at her or at me; it’s hard to say.
While this incident was minor, it lingered in my mind for days. It replayed like a catchy tune, popping up unexpectedly while I was squeezing grapefruits or paying bills. I found myself wishing I had said something witty back, like, “Hey, it’s a revolving door!”
This incident, though trivial, stirred up deeper feelings from past grievances. I wanted to move on, but holding onto this grudge was disrupting my peace. Each time I told myself to let it go, it would return, reminding me of unresolved anger. I began to wonder how others handle more significant grievances, such as betrayal or abandonment. Why do some people bounce back, while others dwell for years? I sought insight from three experts with different approaches to forgiveness.
The Organizational Psychologist
Dr. Mark Daniels, a professor at the University of Washington, conducted extensive research into forgiveness. He noted that a key factor in forgiving others is empathy. When someone wrongs us, we often concentrate on their negative qualities, thinking, “They’re a terrible person.” However, he suggests we consider whether the offense was unintentional. People generally aren’t out to harm others; they’re just navigating life as best they can.
To let go of resentment, Dr. Daniels recommends viewing the situation from the other person’s perspective. Remember times when you’ve hurt someone unintentionally, and how you justified your actions.
He offered a practical exercise: “Think of forgiveness as a gift you can give to the other person, allowing them relief from guilt.” He emphasized that suppressing thoughts about the conflict doesn’t work; instead, it’s more effective to shift your thinking about it.
What if the wrong is larger, like co-parenting with an ex after a bitter breakup? Dr. Daniels suggested recognizing that both parties usually want what’s best for the child, and that your ex is not purely malevolent.
For a structured approach to forgiveness, he recommended the REACH method—a five-step strategy developed by psychologist Everett Worthington.
The Mindfulness Expert
Next, I consulted Sarah Lee, director of the Mindfulness Program at a local university. She emphasized that the human mind often drifts back to the past, reflecting on sources of discomfort. Mindfulness teaches us to manage these ruminations by focusing on the present, such as our breath or physical sensations.
Sarah pointed out that persistent negative feelings often stem not from the event itself but from the narrative we create around it. When I continued to dwell on that incident with the woman at the gym, she reminded me that perhaps there was a reason I was holding onto it. Not forgiving someone could be preventing my own growth.
If the offense is serious, like abuse, Sarah stressed the importance of seeking professional help. Mindfulness can aid in making difficult decisions, such as confronting an abuser. It helps us stay steady amidst confusion, allowing for clearer decision-making, even if it’s painful.
The Religious Perspective
Lastly, I spoke with Father Joseph, a Catholic priest who has devoted his life to understanding forgiveness. He emphasized self-forgiveness through confession, as it’s vital before forgiving others. He referenced a biblical verse, illustrating how holding onto pain can paralyze us.
Father Joseph explained that Jesus, having committed no wrongs, exemplifies the ultimate forgiveness and encourages us to rise above our grievances. He advised offering our pain to the cross, allowing it to transform our perspective.
All three perspectives emphasized the need to discard the narrative tied to our pain. Whether through understanding the offender, practicing mindfulness, or seeking spiritual guidance, they all provide actionable steps to replace rumination with healing.
As I reflected on the incident with the woman at the gym, I began to consider her possible struggles. Perhaps she was having a rough morning. I realized that each approach to forgiveness offered practical steps that can help ease the distress of past grievances. By engaging more fully in life—through work, relationships, and personal projects—we can gradually diminish the impact of past hurts.
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Summary:
Letting go of a grudge involves shifting our perspective to understand the offender, practicing mindfulness, and sometimes seeking spiritual guidance. Each approach provides actionable steps to ease the burden of past grievances and promote healing.