It struck me as amusing as I slid my credit card into the jukebox, thinking, “This choice is going to be ironic.” Moments later, I found myself forking out a small fortune just to hear a cringe-worthy ‘90s hit—only for the bartender to cut it off after just ten seconds. When I suggested “Breakfast at Tiffany’s,” he shot me down, claiming it wasn’t bar material. And just like that, I had wasted a ton of money for nothing.
Unbeknownst to many, jukeboxes have become prohibitively costly, particularly the touch-screen models that promise an endless library of tunes. What starts as a simple dollar can quickly escalate into an entirely different financial dilemma—like missing your next student loan payment! Therefore, it’s crucial to be strategic when selecting songs. Here are some tips to help you navigate the jukebox jungle:
The Crowd Favorites
These tracks are akin to the adorable puppies of the jukebox universe—universally adored and sure to get a positive reaction from the crowd.
Top picks: “Sweet Home Alabama,” “Sweet Caroline,” “Sweet Child O’ Mine,” and other sweet-sounding tracks. Don’t forget classics like “Brown Eyed Girl,” “Old Time Rock and Roll,” “Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It),” and “Respect.”
Your Personal Favorites
These songs may not resonate with the masses and could even provoke some eye-rolls, but you’ll be too busy belting them out into your drink like it’s a magical microphone to care.
Top picks: “P.Y.T.,” anything from Beck’s eclectic catalog, “Everybody (Backstreet’s Back),” and the distorted anthems of Sonic Youth. Bobby Brown’s hits, from New Edition to his solo work, also make the cut.
The Guilty Pleasures (That Are Truly Delightful)
This is your chance to showcase your authentic music taste.
Top picks: “November Rain,” “Return of the Mack,” and regardless of popular opinion, “You Get What You Give” by New Radicals is undeniably catchy.
The Extended Tracks
Why not maximize your investment?
Top picks: “Purple Rain,” which runs for 8:42, Tim Buckley’s “Gypsy Woman” at a solid 12:19, and for those really looking to spend time, Brian Eno’s “Thursday Afternoon” lasts an astonishing 61 minutes. And you can never go wrong with Meat Loaf for some lengthy tunes.
The Trendy Selections
These need to be either vintage or fresh, depending on the vibe you want to set.
Top picks: For contemporary hits, choose a band with a quirky name like Chvrches. For nostalgic gems, reflect on what an indie film character like Zach Braff might select, and opt for something slightly lesser-known. If you have a favorite Nick Drake B-side, go for it!
The Umlauts Factor
I have a hypothesis that anything with an umlaut is automatically better, including band names.
Top picks: “Could You Be the One?” by Hüsker Dü, tracks from Mötley Crüe, Björk, or Motörhead. And if you’re brave enough for some playful hollering, throw on “(Don’t Fear) the Reaper” by Blue Öyster Cult, but steer clear of Queensrÿche, which seems to have been blacklisted from public places since ’94.
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In summary, the jukebox can be a delightful yet costly way to enjoy music. By choosing wisely—whether it’s a crowd-pleaser, a personal favorite, or that guilty pleasure—you can make the most of your selections without breaking the bank.