Parenting Insights
My 15-year-old daughter and I usually have a good relationship, but she’s the one I find myself clashing with the most. One significant disagreement arose during the early days of the pandemic regarding her screen time.
We were in lockdown, adjusting to remote learning, and I was trying to stick to our usual screen time limits. Meanwhile, my daughter was increasingly anxious about her limited time on devices. After a particularly heated argument, I ended up grounding her from screens entirely, except for school use. She was in tears, and while I may have felt victorious as a parent, I regretted the outcome.
Once I calmed down, I recognized that I had completely dismissed her feelings. It wasn’t merely about her wanting more screen time; she was genuinely upset because I hadn’t listened to her perspective.
Taking a deep breath, I returned to her room to readdress the issue. This time, I aimed to understand her viewpoint. Through our conversation, I discovered that her stress stemmed from the fact that she couldn’t meet her friends in person anymore. Her social interactions had shifted online, and much of her screen time was dedicated to schoolwork, which felt unfair to her when I counted that toward her recreational time.
While I had been preoccupied with the potential harms of excessive screen exposure, my daughter was simply trying to maintain her social connections in a challenging situation. Together, we established new guidelines, and I adjusted my views on screen time.
Arguing Like a Scientist
In his book Think Again, Adam Grant discusses how people typically approach arguments: as preachers, prosecutors, or politicians. Preachers passionately defend their beliefs, prosecutors dissect their opponent’s arguments with logic, and politicians appeal for emotional support. Regardless of the context—whether at work, with friends, or with family—we often default to one of these roles. Grant advocates for a more scientific approach to discussions.
I realized that when I argue, I often fall into prosecutor mode, mistakenly believing I am being scientific. Scientists are curious and seek understanding, while I tend to present facts and evidence to prove my points.
Reflecting on my parenting style, I recognized moments when I acted like a preacher or prosecutor with my daughter. I would assert my authority, insisting I was right, while she felt disregarded. Grant’s insights made me think back to that argument over screen time and how much better our conversation went when I approached it with curiosity, like a scientist. I realized that my tendency to preach or prosecute had been damaging our relationship and limiting her sense of autonomy. That’s not the parent I aspire to be.
Transitioning from Preachers and Prosecutors to Partners
With younger children, we often need to take on the preacher role, as we truly do know better in certain situations. It’s our responsibility to guide them, even if that means explaining why they need to do things they may not want to do, like brushing their teeth or going to bed on time. While we can still demonstrate empathy for their resistance, ultimately, we must make the final call.
As children grow into teenagers, it becomes increasingly important to ease up on the parent-knows-best mentality. If our goal is to nurture independent thinkers who make positive contributions to society and feel confident in their decisions, we must start to loosen our grip.
My most productive discussions with my daughter now occur when I adopt a scientific mindset. Instead of overwhelming her with reasons why she’s mistaken, I ask what led her to her conclusions. Approaching the conversation with genuine curiosity allows us to engage without feeling like we’re in a battle. Instead, we share ideas and insights.
Listening Doesn’t Always Mean Changing Your Mind
As a parent, there will be times when you must prioritize safety and well-being. However, a child who feels truly heard is far more likely to accept a “no” than one who perceives their parent’s decision as arbitrary and without explanation.
So, the next time you find yourself in a standoff with your teen, consider the role you’re playing in the discussion. Are you trying to “win” by preaching, prosecuting, or seeking their approval? If so, take a step back, collect your thoughts, and adopt a scientific approach—focus on understanding rather than asserting authority. You may discover that your teen has valuable insights and reasoning behind their beliefs, and like me, you may even find your perspective shifting.
For further reading on parenting and navigating these discussions, check out this related blog post and learn more from experts at Intracervical Insemination, who share valuable insights on effective communication.
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Summary:
Effective communication with your teenager doesn’t revolve around winning arguments but rather about understanding their perspective. By adopting a curious, scientific approach to discussions rather than a confrontational one, you can foster a healthier parent-child relationship. It’s essential to transition from a directive style to one that encourages autonomy as your child matures, ultimately leading to more constructive conversations.