My son’s deep brown eyes squint as he leans in closer, practically shouting, “I want a toy!”
A whirlwind of thoughts races through my mind, but the dominant one is, “How did we end up here?” Generally, my son is quite easygoing. Yes, he has his moments—after all, he’s just four—but this felt different. This wasn’t mere childish sass; this was entitlement. Somewhere along the line, he had come to believe that if he asked for something, it would simply appear. That’s not the kind of environment I want to foster in our home.
I’ll admit it: sometimes I do spoil him. As a single mom, I’ve occasionally used toys to make up for my feelings of guilt. While I’ve made progress in dialing back the spoiling, it became clear that I needed to take a firmer stand when my son started demanding things rather than asking politely.
In her blog, “Modern Family Insights,” Laura Collins shares some valuable strategies for reversing the effects of spoiling. I’ve been experimenting with these techniques, and while it’s a challenge for both of us to break these habits, it’s absolutely vital.
1. Stay Consistent.
This one can be tricky, but I’m making an effort. Sticking to the consequences is often the hardest part. If I have to remind my son more than twice to clean up a toy, it gets put away for an hour. Laura also suggests using the “when, then” strategy. For example, “When you finish your dinner, then you can have dessert.” This creates a clear goal with a straightforward outcome, minimizing any ambiguity. One of my biggest pitfalls happens with time. I might say, “You have ten minutes left,” multiple times, inadvertently giving him extra time. Now, I’ll set a timer on my phone so we can both hear when it’s up, which cuts down on arguments.
2. Set Clear Expectations.
This is particularly useful when we’re heading out. For grocery shopping, I make a detailed list and share it with my son. If he sees something not on the list, he knows it’s unlikely he’ll get it. In stores like Target, where distractions are plenty, I emphasize that we won’t be visiting the toy section. If he throws a fit, he risks losing a privilege when we return home, like no screen time for an hour.
3. Be Mindful of Impulse Gifts.
It’s all too easy to slip into the habit of buying toys without a special reason. I’ve fallen into this trap more times than I can count. Purchasing toys just because I see a sale perpetuates a cycle of expectations. If he loses or breaks a toy, I won’t rush to replace it. I’ve told him that if he can’t take care of his crayons, then I won’t buy new ones. This approach teaches him to value gifts. Primarily, he only receives presents during holidays or his birthday, though I may surprise him with something small if he’s been particularly well-behaved.
We all want to treat our kids well, but constantly giving them things can lead to a lack of appreciation. It’s tough to hold your ground, especially when you just want a few minutes of peace. No one is saying you can’t spoil your child occasionally; the issue arises when it becomes excessive. Establishing boundaries and clear consequences is not as daunting as it may seem.
Initially, it will be challenging. Kids can be stubborn, and if they’ve been conditioned to expect everything, breaking that cycle can feel impossible. But remember, “No” is a complete answer. Tears will fade, and you don’t want to raise a child who feels entitled and disrespectful, especially when they’ll eventually need to navigate the world without you.
And nobody wants to be that mom, right?
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To summarize, learning how to avoid spoiling your children is crucial for fostering their growth and appreciation. By maintaining consistency, setting clear expectations, and being mindful of impulse gifts, you can help your kids develop a healthy perspective on both possessions and respect.