When I was expecting my first child, I envisioned a future where my kids would eagerly heed my advice. I imagined calmly guiding them through their challenges, offering thoughtful alternatives that they would find too compelling to ignore. I thought that as they entered their teenage years, my carefully phrased suggestions would naturally draw their attention and compliance. Fast forward to reality: the fantasy of a perfect parent-child dynamic is just that—a fantasy.
The truth is, my children are independent individuals with their own thoughts and desires. Regardless of how insightful my advice may be, they are determined to assert their autonomy. The more I insist on my perspective, the more they seem to resist.
Two Words to Ignite Conversation
Lately, I’ve shifted my approach from giving explicit advice to initiating conversations with the phrase, “I wonder…” I stumbled upon this concept in an article by child psychologist Dr. Emily Carter, who emphasizes the value of this phrase in encouraging meaningful discussions. She explains that making independent decisions is a skill that requires practice. If parents constantly dictate their children’s choices, those kids miss out on the opportunity to cultivate their decision-making abilities.
We often can’t help but jump in to guide our kids, which can inadvertently stifle their learning. Research indicates that children learn more effectively when adults minimize interference. In one study, four-year-olds who were allowed to explore a complex toy independently discovered more functionalities than those who were instructed on how to use it. Too much guidance can actually hinder a child’s ability to learn and grow.
When we take over our kids’ decisions, we send the message that we doubt their ability to think critically and make sound choices. Before they even have a chance to explore their own thoughts, we impose our own views based on our life experiences, creating an implicit belief that they aren’t capable of handling things on their own.
Using “I Wonder…” to Build Trust
Consider this scenario: you’re deliberating whether to buy an SUV or a van, and someone interrupts with, “You should definitely take the van! It’s more practical!” This person fails to acknowledge your research and the specific factors that matter to you. When we sideline our kids in decision-making, we risk making them feel undervalued and untrusted.
Currently, I’m applying the “I wonder…” technique with my teenage son as he navigates the decision of which high school to attend next year. His zoned school is reputable, offering solid academics and extracurriculars, while a nearby choice school ranks among the best in the state. Many parents I know have told their kids that getting accepted means they must attend—no discussion allowed.
However, if my son is accepted, I will encourage him to make the final call. I trust him to consider what’s best for him. By asking questions like, “I wonder how the AP classes differ between the two schools,” or “I wonder what it would be like to attend a smaller school,” he processes his thoughts aloud, demonstrating that he is thoughtfully weighing his options.
It’s a significant decision, and I won’t dictate the outcome unless he pleads, “Mom, you decide.” Using the “I wonder” approach fosters discussions that build my confidence in his decision-making abilities. Right now, he seems inclined toward the college-prep school, acknowledging that he may need to reassess if it proves too demanding for him.
Empowering Kids to Shape Their Own Futures
Dr. Carter highlights an essential concept: locus of control. What message are we sending our children about their influence over their lives? Are they merely passive recipients of circumstances, or do their choices genuinely impact outcomes? An external locus of control suggests they have little say in their fate, while an internal locus emphasizes that their decisions matter.
Many kids experience anxiety in environments where they feel powerless. This might explain the correlation between increased helicopter parenting and rising anxiety levels among youth. I want my son to feel empowered. If I sensed he wasn’t putting thought into his future or was opting for the easiest route, I might feel compelled to intervene more. Yet, through our “I wonder” discussions, I see that he is considering all angles, and I trust him to make a wise choice.
Mistakes are part of the learning process, and they help develop sound decision-making skills. We all went through them, and so will our kids. The toughest part is wondering how they’ll fare along the way.
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Summary
Using the phrase “I wonder” can significantly enhance conversations with your teenage children, fostering their independence and decision-making skills. Rather than directing them, this approach encourages dialogue and empowers them to shape their own futures. By trusting their ability to think through choices, we help instill confidence and autonomy in their lives.