November 12, 2015
In the last month of my first pregnancy, my partner and I endured four grueling evenings of birthing classes. During the final session, the focus shifted to postpartum depression (PPD) and how to support both mother and baby in those crucial early weeks. I distinctly remember the instructor mentioning that PPD was more common among women with prior mood disorders. I gently nudged my partner and whispered, “That’s me.” Years earlier, I had been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, which I had managed through therapy. My partner listened attentively, and we felt confident that we could prevent any signs of PPD together.
However, all our confident plans were shattered the moment my daughter entered the world. The initial weeks were chaotic, filled with breastfeeding challenges, hormonal fluctuations, and surgical recovery, but I didn’t feel depressed. In fact, I often laughed off my frequent tears, attributing them to the hormonal changes following pregnancy.
Instead, I experienced:
- Terror
Sometimes I could express my fears, like needing to keep the lights on to always see my baby. More often, I was engulfed in a vague sense of dread and panic, especially at night. - Catastrophizing
My knack for jumping to the worst conclusions escalated postpartum. Any breastfeeding issue turned into a fear of long-term developmental problems, and a little tiredness felt like a sign of severe lethargy. - Rage
I had never considered myself an angry person, yet I found myself inexplicably furious and often yelling at my partner. - Regret
One day at the grocery store, I saw college students with snacks and movies, and I fled in tears. Their carefree life reminded me of everything I felt I had lost: friendship, freedom, and leisure. I worried I had made an irreversible mistake in becoming a mother. - Detachment
When a friend admired my newborn’s scent and remarked about the protective love I’d feel, I forced a smile while thinking, “Will I ever feel that?” I struggled to connect with my daughter, often using incorrect pronouns when referring to her, and I was surprised by her appearance, which didn’t match my expectations at all. - Intrusive Thoughts
I experienced relentless, horrifying thoughts, including the classic fear of falling down the stairs while holding my baby. - Insomnia and Sleep Disturbances
While sleep deprivation is common for new parents, I found even the opportunity to sleep elusive. When I did manage to doze off, nightmares and hallucinations invaded my mind. - Compulsions
I felt a desperate need to create order in the chaos. The way my daughter slept, the sequence of bedtime songs, and how her clothes were arranged became obsessive rituals that I thought would influence her sleep.
So, while I wasn’t experiencing depression, I was battling a tempest of fear, rage, obsession, panic, and regret. I had no term for these overwhelming feelings, so I accepted them as part of motherhood, spending hours wondering how I had found myself in this predicament.
Many of these symptoms are typical for postpartum women. I often dismissed my feelings because other mothers shared similar experiences. However, my struggles felt extreme and unrelenting.
The turning point came after a lactation consultation. A pediatrician, who had spoken with us earlier, reached out just to check on me and suggested the possibility of postpartum anxiety. This realization brought me immediate relief; I understood that this was anxiety, not motherhood.
Within a week, I started seeing a social worker and psychiatrist. Gradually, my anxiety subsided, especially after we established a sleep routine, my work situation improved, and I weaned my daughter. Thankfully, two years into motherhood, my symptoms have vanished. However, the experience of postpartum anxiety makes the idea of having another child both daunting and frightening.
I hope that increased awareness and the resources I have discovered will help me if I decide to expand my family. If you are struggling with the challenges of motherhood, know that you are not alone, and it doesn’t have to be this way. My daughter is now a source of immense joy for me—something postpartum anxiety prevented me from envisioning.
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Summary:
Postpartum anxiety can manifest in various ways, often overshadowing the joy of motherhood. Symptoms may include fear, rage, intrusive thoughts, and detachment. Recognizing these feelings as postpartum anxiety rather than depression can bring relief and understanding. Support and resources are available for those navigating the challenges of new motherhood.