Lifestyle
Updated: May 27, 2020
Originally Published: Oct. 9, 2015
Before becoming a parent, I often grappled with feelings of loneliness. While I had friends and a variety of social activities—weekend outings, trips, music sessions, and meet-ups—I still felt a profound sense of isolation. Even with a partner and close friends, returning home alone at night left me feeling disconnected. Long, empty Sundays stretched endlessly ahead of me.
That all changed when I met my partner and soon welcomed my children into the world. Suddenly, loneliness was no longer an issue. Living in a family-oriented community and having a husband who is not only my partner but also my best friend has created a rich web of connections that fills my life with warmth. The loneliness I once knew feels like a distant memory, overshadowed by the countless interactions I now experience, whether they be familial, romantic, or simply social.
Yet, I sometimes ponder whether having children truly cures loneliness or simply masks it. After all, the hectic pace of motherhood keeps me so occupied that there’s little time for lonely thoughts to surface. I’ve spoken to other mothers who have mentioned that having children alleviated their mild depression for similar reasons; their days are packed, leaving no room for such feelings. It’s not the same as addressing serious depression, which requires a different level of understanding and support.
When I think about my own experience with loneliness, it mirrors what those mothers describe regarding their battles with depression. Having children means daily interactions abound—from chatting with grandmothers at the grocery store to connecting with fellow parents at the playground. With pediatric appointments and school events, there’s hardly a moment to entertain the notion of loneliness.
This relentless busyness is crucial in combating loneliness, whether or not you have kids. Just as studies suggest that a mere 20 minutes of exercise three times a week can bolster health, I’ve discovered that being socially engaged throughout the day creates a profound sense of connection. When I was single, I felt accomplished with a couple of plans each week. Now, my life is filled to the brim with purposeful interactions: feeding my family, taking the kids to the park, running errands. Even work feels significant, as it directly supports my family. It’s a holistic remedy for loneliness, one that would be difficult to replicate without children. In many ways, motherhood has transformed my experience of isolation into one of connection.
In moments of “pre-emptive nostalgia,” I look at my boys, who are now 2 and 5, and feel that this is a perfect phase of my life. They still rely on me throughout the day, yet the exhausting demands of infancy are behind us. The end of diapers and strollers is on the horizon, and their adorable antics bring joy into our home. My partner and I share countless delightful moments, marveling at how entertaining and lovable they are.
However, a nagging thought sometimes creeps in: “What happens when they grow up and leave?” I fear that the loneliness I once faced will return, like a dormant monster ready to pounce just when I’m settled into my 60s. My current life is a whirlwind of activities, and I wonder what will happen when that ceaseless motion slows down. The things I long for now—a quiet moment with the Sunday paper, fewer chores, a smaller grocery bill—will eventually be mine, but at what cost to my social life?
I suspect the key will be to proactively create commitments to replace the bustling routine that defines my days now. Perhaps it’s not merely about having children, but about recognizing that a fulfilling life requires constant engagement—one that is richer than I ever anticipated. When my children venture out into the world, I hope the connections I’ve built will endure, allowing me to engage with my community, from chatting with the butcher to connecting with neighbors.
One day, the long stretches of Sunday may return. For now, however, I’m grateful for the absence of loneliness in my life. I will cherish each moment, even as I roll my eyes at the well-meaning advice from older generations to “enjoy every minute.”
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In summary, my experience with loneliness has transformed through motherhood. The busy, purposeful life I lead now provides a natural antidote to isolation. I look forward to nurturing the connections I’ve fostered and hope to maintain them even as my children grow and embark on their own journeys.