Depression hasn’t always made me the best friend, sister, daughter, or partner. In fact, it has often turned me into a rather poor version of myself. I tend to distance myself from loved ones, retreating into corners of my home – most often the bathroom (why is it always the bathroom?). There, I lock the door and curl up on the cold tile, surrounded by darkness and my neglected towel.
While I withdraw from everyone, the harm is already done: harsh words have been spoken, and tears have fallen. Yet, amidst all this turmoil, there is one silver lining I can attribute to my depression: it has transformed my approach to motherhood.
Make no mistake: parenting during depressive episodes is incredibly challenging. Smiles feel forced, and maintaining composure often feels like an impossible task. I find myself on the verge of rage when my daughter throws a tantrum or refuses to wear her diaper. Recently, she has taken to tossing her food and swatting at my hand – or my cheek if I’m within reach – when I intervene. It takes every ounce of strength I have to redirect that anger into tears instead.
Even during our calmer moments, when we are enjoying the simple joys of life, I find myself struggling. The silence triggers my racing thoughts, transforming minor inconveniences into monumental dilemmas. I feel emotionally numb, disconnected, even when my daughter is right there beside me, her head resting against my chest.
However, these depressive episodes aren’t my everyday reality. On a good day, I am loving and engaged. I relish taking my daughter to the playground, blowing bubbles, and lying on the floor coloring (because who says dinosaurs can’t be purple?). On those days, I am the generous, slightly awkward, and endearingly funny version of myself that I aspire to be.
So how does depression make me a better mom? My struggles and mistakes – my short temper and emotional outbursts – teach my daughter invaluable lessons about accountability and forgiveness. She is learning that it’s perfectly acceptable to ask for help and to express emotions.
Through my experiences, my daughter witnesses behaviors I wish to shield her from, yet this vulnerability fosters empathy. Instead of allowing guilt to consume me, I am embracing the opportunity for growth. I am learning to apologize sincerely, explaining to her that sometimes, mommy’s illness makes her sad or irritable, and that it is not her fault.
I am opening up rather than shutting down. I’m becoming more willing to let her in, keeping the bathroom door ajar, and maybe even turning on the lights. I realize that saying sorry for my actions is distinct from apologizing for my mental health condition.
Living with depression isn’t the life I envisioned, yet I am living it nonetheless. So, despite its burdens, my depression serves as a catalyst for my growth as a mother and, ultimately, as a better person. Because of this journey, I believe I am helping my daughter become a more compassionate human being.
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Summary:
This article explores how depression, while often a heavy burden, has transformed the author’s approach to motherhood. Through acknowledging her struggles, she teaches her daughter valuable lessons in accountability, forgiveness, and empathy. While the journey of living with depression is challenging, it fosters growth and connection, ultimately enriching both their lives.