Updated: Dec. 18, 2023
Originally Published: Aug. 13, 2015
As my eight-year-old daughter, Maddie, tossed a football with her dad, an unfamiliar father passing by commented on her skills. It was unclear whether he was genuinely impressed by her talent or subtly surprised that a girl could throw well—it was definitely implied. After this remark, I heard my husband casually mention, “Yeah, she has two brothers.”
In that moment, I felt a pang of discomfort. The underlying suggestion that Maddie’s ability was noteworthy because she is a girl, coupled with the idea that her brothers somehow contributed to her skill, struck a nerve that I hadn’t fully processed before becoming a mother.
Growing up, I experienced societal expectations that differed significantly from those placed upon my brother. My parents often offered cautionary advice to me and my sisters—warnings that seemed to bypass my brother entirely. As a young woman, I was acutely aware that I would likely earn less than my male peers, faced street harassment, and cringed at the notion that my brother was exempt from the same concerns. While I didn’t actively resent this inequality at the time, I found myself frustrated that compliments I received often focused on my appearance rather than my achievements.
Though I recognized the subtle and not-so-subtle ways in which gender inequality manifested in my life, it never propelled me into action. I was not a feminist icon like Gloria Steinem.
Then I became a mother to a daughter.
I know I will probably advise Maddie to be cautious more than I will with my son, Jake. I will alert her to dangers that I might overlook for him simply because he is male. This is a truth I acknowledge, and I won’t pretend otherwise. I will encourage her to pursue excellence in any field she chooses—whether it’s sports, science, or the arts. I want her to have a strong voice and demand fair treatment. When someone compliments her with a hint of sexism, I will teach her to respond with a confident “thank you” or “I’ve been practicing,” without feeling the need to justify herself.
I am aware that growing up around brothers who play sports can help a younger sister develop her skills, as it can for any sibling. However, not all boys are drawn to athletics, and not all girls gravitate toward traditional feminine play. You can’t impose interests on children, nor can you claim credit for their achievements based on their siblings. Importantly, fathers of boys rarely feel the need to qualify their son’s abilities.
Maddie’s talent for throwing and catching a football is a result of her practice and dedication—not because she has brothers. She does not need any qualifiers, and I stand firm in that belief.
While I shy away from heavy labels and agendas, if imparting this fundamental lesson to my sensitive, creative, athletic, intelligent, and undeniably adorable daughter falls under the umbrella of feminism, I embrace it wholeheartedly.
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Summary:
This article reflects on how motherhood, particularly raising a daughter, has transformed the author’s perspective on gender equality. The author shares personal experiences of gender bias and recognizes the importance of empowering her daughter, Maddie, to embrace her talents without qualifiers. By fostering a strong sense of self-worth and equality, the author embraces a feminist outlook, reshaping her understanding of societal expectations.