I’m the unique mom of two sets of twins—yes, you read that right! My older twins are 7, and the younger ones are 4. Among my 4-year-olds, one actively plays and converses, while the other, diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder shortly before her third birthday, is mainly nonverbal, speaking only a few words sporadically.
Over the past year, she has shown remarkable progress through various therapies, and we are incredibly proud of her achievements. However, her interactions with her siblings differ significantly from those of her twin sister. This discrepancy can be challenging for everyone involved, particularly for her siblings, who often struggle to understand her limited engagement.
It’s not uncommon for my other children to feel envious of the attention their sister receives, often expressing sentiments like, “Why does she get more time with you?” or “Why is her food different?” But the most painful questions are those that ask, “Why doesn’t she like me?” These inquiries resonate deeply because that’s far from the truth. Fortunately, I’ve discovered six essential strategies to help my kids bond with their sister who has autism.
1. I Acknowledge Their Emotions.
When their sister has a different meal than the rest of us, and someone expresses frustration, I validate those feelings. For example, I might say, “I understand you’re disappointed about having hamburgers while your sister has leftover pancakes. That does seem unfair.” After acknowledging their feelings, I explain, “Your sister won’t eat anything else right now. Just as I need to ensure you eat, I also need to make sure she gets her meals, even if they differ from yours.” If they still feel it’s unfair, I reassure them that their feelings are valid.
2. I Educate Them About Autism.
Kids need context to understand why their sister has specific needs. I keep the explanations simple, telling them that their sister perceives the world differently and more intensely. We read books and watch shows, like our favorite inclusive episodes of Sesame Street, that help them grasp autism better.
3. I Model Desired Behaviors.
Sometimes, our daughter with ASD expresses her emotions through screams when overwhelmed. Instead of reacting negatively, I demonstrate calming techniques. It’s heartwarming to see my kids adopt these self-regulation strategies, such as gentle touches or deep squeezes, reinforcing empathy towards their sister and creating a nurturing atmosphere.
4. We Engage in Family Play.
Family playtime allows us to explore new ways to interact with our autistic daughter that are enjoyable for everyone. She particularly enjoys sensory play, so we rotate through various sensory bins filled with sand, slime, and play-doh. Whether we’re crafting, roughhousing, or just being silly, these shared activities foster closeness among my kids.
5. I Explain Her Triggers and Boundaries.
While my daughter might not respond well to personal space, sometimes she forgets that her siblings have boundaries too. We address these instances and guide her while also validating our other children’s feelings about her behavior.
6. I Prioritize Quality Time.
Before becoming a mom, I thought each child would receive equal attention. However, I learned that meeting my kids’ needs may not always be distributed evenly. My daughter with autism often requires more time, whether attending therapies or helping her communicate. Nonetheless, I ensure that each child feels special by dedicating one-on-one time to them regularly.
7. I Don’t Expect Typical Behaviors.
During Halloween, one of my daughters expressed concern that trick-or-treating might be overwhelming for her sister. Instead of insisting we do everything as a family, I arranged for my mother to help, allowing our daughter to return home if needed. While we strive to include her, we also recognize when it’s necessary for the others to enjoy experiences that might not suit her, understanding that happiness comes in various forms.
In our home, we celebrate diverse neurodiversity, embracing our unique family dynamic. Letting go of conventional notions of a “normal” family has strengthened my children’s relationships with one another.
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Summary:
Caila shares her experience as a mother of two sets of twins, one of whom has autism. She highlights the challenges and emotions her neurotypical children face while bonding with their autistic sister and outlines effective strategies to nurture their connection. By acknowledging feelings, educating about autism, modeling behaviors, engaging in family play, explaining triggers, prioritizing quality time, and reframing expectations, she fosters a loving and understanding environment for all her children.
SEO Metadata:
How to foster connections with siblings of children with autism, parenting strategies, neurodiversity, family dynamics, autism awareness.