Humans are often less complex than we believe. However, without self-awareness and a basic comprehension of our behaviors and thought processes, we tend to complicate our lives unnecessarily. For instance, when a manager requests revisions on a project, you might react defensively and procrastinate, despite knowing the feedback is valid. This self-sabotaging behavior wastes both time and energy.
You may have experienced something similar when asking your child to complete a task, only to face immediate resistance and arguments. Why does this happen? It’s due to a psychological response known as reactance.
Psychological reactance is that instinctive pushback we feel when someone tells us what to do. It manifests as an inner voice that protests, claiming autonomy, even when we ultimately intend to comply. This differs from Oppositional Defiant Disorder, which involves a more active rebellion against authority figures and rules. Reactance is rooted in the feeling that our freedom is being threatened and serves as a protective mechanism that triggers a fight-or-flight response.
When given directives, our brains react as if our safety is at stake, resulting in defiance, rudeness, or self-sabotage as we attempt to regain control. This response is beneficial in genuinely threatening situations. For example, if someone asks you to enter a suspicious area or share sensitive information, that instinctive refusal is invaluable. However, in many cases, the perceived threat is not real, and it’s crucial to acknowledge our primitive instincts while rethinking our responses.
Consider how we often impose this on ourselves. We may schedule activities we genuinely want to do, like meeting a friend for a walk or organizing a messy room. Yet, when it’s time to follow through, we may resist, needing to persuade ourselves that our past self made the best choice for our present self. Author Nir Eyal explains that in these moments, it feels as if we are being ordered around by our past selves, which leads to hypocrisy—promising to do something but failing to follow through.
In his book “Indistractable,” Eyal emphasizes the value of reframing our thoughts. Instead of viewing tasks as obligations, we should approach them as opportunities. This shift gives us a sense of control, even though we were in charge all along. Ultimately, we are simple beings who desire control or at least the perception of it.
The pandemic has amplified these feelings of uncertainty, making people feel threatened and out of control. This is evident in the resistance to wearing masks, which some perceive as a restriction of freedom. When masks were mandated, the pushback intensified, becoming a political issue for many. However, some reframed the narrative, viewing masks as tools that allow us to protect ourselves and others, thus enabling safer living during a challenging time.
Children also display reactance. Requests to brush their teeth, prepare for school, or dress warmly often lead to resistance. While I sometimes pick my battles, I’ve learned that offering choices can make a difference. For instance, asking my kids whether they want to clean their toys now or before dinner gives them a sense of control in the situation.
We inherently dislike being told what to do, even when it’s beneficial. Understanding this reactance in ourselves and our children is essential. By recognizing it, we can let go of our defensive reactions before they become too overwhelming, allowing us to accept guidance and suggestions without feeling threatened. Ignoring this instinct can lead to dealing with natural consequences or the humbling experience of karma.
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Summary
Understanding psychological reactance can illuminate our behaviors and those of our children. By recognizing this instinctive pushback against authority or directives, we can reframe our thoughts to foster a sense of control and cooperation. This awareness is crucial for personal growth and effective parenting, allowing us to navigate challenges with greater ease.