I didn’t leave my first child with a babysitter until he was nine months old. Each time I attempted to walk out the door, it was a struggle, and I could only manage a few hours away.
My husband had urged me to take a break; we hadn’t spent any time alone since our baby was born. We even brought him along to our first anniversary dinner because I wasn’t ready to find a sitter. When we did go out, which was rare, I was so anxious that I couldn’t enjoy myself.
It wasn’t until our third child arrived that my husband expressed feeling like our children had taken his place. He started attending parties and weddings without me. Right or wrong, I refused to go to events where kids weren’t welcome.
As a child, I had faced trauma that left me with anxiety. My parents didn’t know how to handle what I’d experienced, and I never felt safe. When I became a mother, I became overprotective, trying to shield my children from anything that could harm them. I was overwhelmed with fear about leaving them. What if something happened while I was gone? What if they needed me and I wasn’t there?
My husband craved time away with me. He longed for quiet dinners where we could converse without interruptions. He wanted to nurture our relationship, which had stalled after becoming parents. I believed that giving my all to my children was the best way to love them, leaving no energy for my husband.
I received affection from my kids, and they consumed my attention. By the end of the day, I was exhausted, having dedicated all my energy to family time. My husband, returning from work, found that I had nothing left to give.
In hindsight, if I had been able to manage my anxiety about leaving the kids and made a commitment to spend a few nights each month just with him, perhaps our outcome would have been different. Now, we are divorced. I thought our love was enough to weather any storm, but I’ve learned that relationships need active nurturing. I was wrong to assume that my focus on the kids was sufficient for both of us.
Had I let go of my fear and embraced opportunities for weekend getaways to places like Boston, New York City, or even a tropical island—trips my husband suggested—I would have realized that my kids could thrive without my constant presence. They are happier now that I carve out time for myself. They don’t want to be the center of my world anymore.
Today, I’m in a loving relationship and have made it a point to get away with my partner a few times a year. We’re even planning a week-long trip abroad—an experience I had never dared to attempt before. Initially, I was so anxious about planning this trip that I lost sleep and broke out in hives!
My kids, now teenagers, have reassured me that my worries are unfounded; they practically urged me to go. I refuse to repeat the same mistakes I made in my previous marriage. All types of relationships require attention. My children are more than willing to share me because they want me to be happy, and I want that for myself too.
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In summary, understanding the importance of dedicating time to your partner can significantly impact the health of your marriage. Relationships require effort and intention, and recognizing this can lead to a happier family dynamic.