Cancer has a way of reshaping your entire existence. While it might sound like a cliché, my experience has shown me just how true this statement is. I’ve undergone significant changes, both physically and emotionally, but what surprised me most was how cancer ultimately helped me to embrace a more relaxed and free-spirited approach to life.
It all began during a routine check-up with my new gynecologist. Feeling hopeful after switching doctors, I was caught off guard when she said, “I feel something.” Unlike previous doctors who barely touched me above the shoulders, she conducted a thorough examination, checking my lymph nodes and neck. After multiple assessments, she delivered the news that would change everything: I had thyroid cancer—specifically, papillary thyroid carcinoma.
The subsequent surgery to remove my thyroid and the radiation treatment that followed left me fundamentally altered. Physically, I no longer had the organ responsible for regulating my metabolism, heart rate, and body temperature. I became intolerant to heat, experienced changes in my hair, dealt with digestive issues, and my menstrual cycle became wildly erratic. While I’m on a synthetic thyroid hormone that seems to work so far, I often find myself bracing for the chaos that could erupt in my body at any moment.
Mentally, the shift was just as profound. I used to pride myself on my sharp memory and quick thinking—I could recall minute details of past conversations, including where we were and what everyone was wearing. My professional life thrived on my ability to cite sources and retain information effortlessly. But as I approached 43, and after undergoing more general anesthesia than anyone should have to endure, my brain began to feel different.
When I first noticed these changes, panic set in. Out in the world, I suddenly found myself grappling with basic interactions. I struggled to provide immediate answers to my students’ questions and couldn’t recall recent conversations with friends. I felt anxious and overly cautious, as if I were walking on eggshells. The frantic pace I forced myself to maintain in a bid to appear composed only added to my internal turmoil.
Then came summer—a season that unexpectedly became a turning point for me. I was compelled to let go of countless worries and expectations, and to my astonishment, the world didn’t crumble. Life continued, albeit with significantly less stress. I embraced this new chapter and discovered that it was precisely what I needed.
I’ve found that my memory isn’t as sharp as it once was, but I’m learning to appreciate the beauty in being present. Conversations have become more authentic as I focus on what’s happening now rather than being tethered to the past. I no longer feel the pressure to have all the answers, which is liberating since, truthfully, I never did. Instead, I allow myself the time to find better responses.
This newfound freedom has also made me more compassionate towards my children, who often need extra time. I’m no longer in a hurry. I feel empowered to take up the space and time I require, and it feels wonderful. By showing the world my vulnerabilities and uncertainties, I’ve embraced a side of myself that I had previously hidden away. Whether this transformation stems from the emotional impact of cancer or genuine cognitive changes, I am undoubtedly not the same person I used to be.
Sure, the surgery left me with an appearance reminiscent of an 85-year-old chicken, but if becoming a flower child of the 1960s is a byproduct of my journey, then I’ll gladly accept it.
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In summary, my battle with cancer has led me to embrace a more relaxed, authentic version of myself. The journey has been challenging, but it has also gifted me with the freedom to live more fully in the present.