The unexpected tipping point in my marriage came courtesy of none other than Britney Spears. My connection with Britney runs deep; we’ve both navigated some turbulent waters. I vividly recall 2007 when she famously shaved her head and attacked a paparazzi’s car with an umbrella. At that time, I was working at UCLA, and I could hear the sirens and helicopters from my cubicle as she was taken to the UCLA Medical Center for an involuntary psychiatric hold. Little did I know that years later, in 2021, our paths would converge again in a profound way.
The catalyst for my mental health struggles was my passionate urge to “free Britney” during my first major, unmedicated manic episode. As a long-time fan, I decided to produce a “pop-up performance” in just 13 days. The event was a hit, showcasing me dancing on the Venice Beach boardwalk in costume, flanked by backup dancers, while crowds cheered for “Free Britney!” I collaborated with activists I met during a Black Lives Matter protest to create a significant and uplifting tribute to mental health, even attracting attention from outlets like the BBC and The New York Times. It felt invigorating to channel my energy into something meaningful, escaping the mundanities of daily life.
However, this project strained my marriage. During those sleepless nights, I lost focus on household responsibilities as I immersed myself in planning and organizing. I never neglected my children; in fact, they became part of this chaotic journey. My preteen daughter would roll her eyes at my dance moves, while my toddler accompanied me on location scouting in LA. I proudly dubbed myself “Lin Manuel Mermanda” for those two weeks, and when my husband expressed anger over my handmade posters advocating for ending misogyny, it marked a turning point in our relationship.
At the time, I was aware of my mania, feeling an exhilarating rush that my therapist had recently labeled “hypomania.” People with bipolar disorder often experience grandiose thoughts that lead them to pursue ambitious plans, sometimes oblivious to their impracticality. I viewed medication as a threat to my creativity, convinced that I was on the verge of achieving something great by “freeing my inner Britney.” My mood swings surged, and I paid little attention to my husband’s passive-aggressive discontent as I forged ahead.
Although this initial manic episode didn’t escalate into psychosis, it did signal the unraveling of my already strained marriage. The tensions from years of resentment and poor communication reached a peak during my “free Britney” phase. I wasn’t on medication, and this phase was relatively tame compared to later episodes that would bring about hospitalization.
The chaos began to take its toll on my mental health. I eventually spiraled into darker episodes, leading to hospital stays and a diagnosis of Bipolar 1 with psychotic features. After a particularly alarming episode that involved bizarre behavior, I was put on medication and later diagnosed with schizophrenia. The realities of these conditions forced me to recognize the necessity of treatment.
Today, I take seven pills a day and embrace the stability they provide. My creative spirit remains intact, but without the obsessive thoughts and paranoia that once consumed me. I’ve grown in self-awareness through this journey, making me a better mother and person. I look forward to the next chapter, which may very well involve a resurgence of my inner Britney!
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Summary
This article explores the author’s tumultuous marriage journey, intertwined with her fascination for Britney Spears. It highlights the impact of bipolar disorder on her life, detailing how her determination to support Spears during a manic episode led to significant personal challenges. Through self-discovery and medication, she has learned to embrace her mental health journey, aiming for a brighter future.