There they were: my three oldest daughters, eyes wide with delight as I offered a spoonful of frosting to each of them. This was their reward for behaving during our family photo session. Yes, I do resort to bribery for moments like these, and I’ve moved beyond feeling guilty about it. So there I stood, tablespoon in hand.
As the frosting dribbled down their chins, they looked up at me with giggles, proclaiming, “You’re the best mom ever!” Then they exchanged smiles, clearly thrilled by the moment. I was having a great time too—until my oldest piped up. “No, Mom. Seriously, you’re amazing! I can’t believe you’re letting us eat frosting straight from the can.”
In that instant, my heart sank. Although he intended it as a compliment, I realized he genuinely believed that this was my way of expressing love—his dimples practically beaming with joy. But it also took me back to the previous evening with the same daughter. I had told her no to a request she was passionate about, and her reaction was one of pure frustration. She simply couldn’t comprehend why I had to deny her this one thing. Yet, I stood firm. “No, sweetie. That’s just not an option.” And in that moment, I didn’t receive any accolades for my parenting skills.
I found myself questioning if it was really that straightforward for them. Do they equate love with permission? The laughter and giggles around me confirmed my suspicions. That night, I spent time reflecting on what I wanted my daughters to understand about my love for them. Eventually, I decided to write this note to them (and to myself):
Dear Child,
I want to share a vital lesson about what makes me a good mom and what it means when I want you to smile for a picture.
Throughout life, you’re likely to hear me say no far more often than yes. When I use the word “no,” I want you to recognize it as another way of saying, “I love you.” I understand that it may not feel that way; it probably seems like I’m preventing you from enjoying what you desire. But in reality, I’m protecting you from things that could harm what I love most—YOU.
So, yes, you will hear me say no—often. And you don’t always have to understand my reasons or methods. Honestly, it’s not essential that you do. What’s crucial is knowing that I am being a better mom when I establish limits rather than when I don’t. I would not be showing love if I didn’t. Sometimes love means saying no.
Of course, I will say yes whenever possible. I love seeing you happy. But remember, my love for you isn’t solely about making you feel good. So please don’t confuse the two. As for that frosting incident from last night, a good mom might have chosen to deny you because she was more concerned about cavities, obesity, and the inevitable sugar rush that would interfere with your sleep. What you thought was love? That was just bribery.
My genuine love for you runs much deeper than that. And don’t ever forget it.
Love,
Your Mom Who Sometimes Says No
This article was originally published on March 31, 2017.
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In summary, it’s essential for kids to understand that a parent’s “no” often stems from love and concern. Establishing limits can be a significant part of nurturing and guiding children, even if they don’t realize it at the moment.