Dear beloved children,
I need to address something crucial. We’ve shared this earth for quite a while, and I’ve dedicated my time to imparting the essential lessons you need to thrive in society. While I understand that some lessons require time to absorb—after all, it takes roughly 18 years to raise a functioning adult—there’s one lesson I believed you’d grasp quickly. Perhaps I was a bit too hopeful, but I never imagined this would turn out to be such a monumental challenge.
As much as I pride myself on being a capable teacher (it was my profession before you came along!), there’s one task that seems utterly impossible for you: throwing away a wrapper. And I’m not just talking about an occasional oversight. I find wrappers everywhere—in the car, between couch cushions, under your beds, and even in your own beds!
I find them right on the kitchen counter, a mere two feet from the trash can. Seriously, folks—the garbage can is RIGHT THERE! We even have a nifty flip-top bin with a foot pedal. I mean, what could be more fun? Yet, it appears that watching me lose my cool over this baffling inability is far more entertaining. Is this some sort of game for you? Are you subconsciously punishing me for those times I didn’t let you put on your own shoes?
Or could it be that you are truly untrainable? I mean, a monkey can learn to toss away a wrapper after peeling a cheese stick! What is going on here? I earnestly want to know, as I feel like I’ve tried everything.
We’ve been teaching you from the moment you could walk: “Trash goes in the garbage” has been our family mantra for ages. We employed the Montessori method with brooms and dustpans. We were diligent about this.
And let’s not ignore how many times I’ve had to remind you to toss your own trash—I’ve lost count because it happens every day. It’s astonishing that I still have any sanity left!
But my concerns extend beyond my own mental well-being. We live on this planet together, and I worry about how we’ll navigate life if you can’t even manage to throw your trash in a bin. I hope to raise environmentally conscious individuals who aim to lessen their footprint and care for our planet. Right now, the future looks bleak—imagine you wading through two feet of garbage in your own home.
It’s amusing, though, when you try to convince me that what you’re holding isn’t trash. “I’m saving this for something!” you declare, referring to an art project that hasn’t even been envisioned yet. Or, “I’m collecting [insert random item]!” No, my dear, we do not collect garbage. In fact, I’m tempted to make that our family motto and hang it in the living room: “In this house, we love deeply, live fully, share willingly, forgive quickly, and don’t collect garbage.”
But I haven’t lost hope. I genuinely believe that you can learn to unwrap a snack, walk over to the trash can, and deposit the wrapper. We still have years to master this skill. Come on, family, I know you can do it. Let’s make it happen!
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Summary: The author humorously discusses the challenge of teaching their children to dispose of trash properly, reflecting on their teaching methods, frustrations, and hopes for the future. Despite the ongoing struggle, the author maintains optimism that their kids will eventually learn to throw away wrappers responsibly.