I realize we haven’t had a direct chat about this yet—unlike those times we’ve sat together on my bed, knees touching, with you avoiding eye contact while I stressed the importance of not sending anyone those kinds of pictures. You remember, right? I was all, “Stick to sharing images of your boring lunches or your new, quirky sweater instead.” Eventually, I relented and said, “Fine, maybe some selfies, but keep it above the neck!”
But then came the awkward moment when we had to discuss how ridiculous you look with that pouty lip and peace sign in your selfies. Trust me, these are the kinds of things you’ll look back on and cringe about. I’ll always cherish those moments, even if they were a bit uncomfortable for you.
Now, we’ve got another topic to tackle. When it comes to wiping after using the bathroom, there’s simply no need to wrap your hand in so much toilet paper that it resembles something out of a mummy movie.
I know you think this is necessary because you tend to have less-than-stellar aim and a bit of laziness on your part. Too often, I find your oversized toilet paper ball lying on the floor next to the toilet, looking up at me like, “I was once part of a proud tree! Birds and squirrels found a home in my branches! Now look at me—abandoned on this hair-covered floor!”
And let’s not forget, you’re not responsible for the care of some celebrity’s lady parts. You really don’t need that much of a barrier between your hand and what you’re trying to dry. Unless you’re multitasking, there shouldn’t be that much moisture to dab. Just a little pee won’t cause your skin to burst into flames or peel off, so relax and make do with four sheets.
Fun fact: Toilet paper wasn’t even invented until 1857! What do you think people used before we had this magical convenience? Leaves? Animal pelts? A random kitten that was too slow? All those options sound gross and make me cringe.
We’re lucky to live in a time where we can easily buy soft tissue to clean ourselves. So, please, be grateful for this modern convenience, but don’t use it like you’re preparing for a game of baseball with the mound of tissue you’ve created. Remember, we have a big family, and toilet paper isn’t free. Got it, superstar?
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Summary: In this lighthearted yet direct message, a parent addresses their child’s excessive toilet paper use, emphasizing the need for moderation while also reflecting on past conversations about responsible behavior. The parent underscores the importance of conserving resources in a large household and encourages gratitude for modern conveniences.