I make my living writing online, spending countless hours sharing snippets of my personal experiences. My aim is to connect with others and foster a friendlier world. Each time I publish an essay, I brace myself for the inevitable negativity that follows. As someone who writes about navigating life in a larger body, I encounter a lot of unwanted opinions. Fatphobia is rampant, and I could easily receive an endless supply of unsolicited weight-loss products if I accepted every offer.
While that behavior is certainly rude, I can usually brush it off. However, there’s one thing I am utterly tired of ignoring: unsolicited sexual messages from men.
These messages often aren’t even flattering. As a woman in a larger body, I receive a fair share of body-shaming remarks. One man claimed he would rather harm himself than be with me, while another said my body was a “waste of a pretty face.” One particularly vile individual suggested I should “lose weight or die in a fire,” so my husband could have a “real woman” instead of a “beast.”
What these men fail to understand is that their opinions are irrelevant. I am happily married to a wonderful partner who loves me just as I am. But my marital status shouldn’t be the reason for respect; I deserve basic decency as a human being. Even if I were single, I wouldn’t entertain anyone capable of such cruelty. I’d rather be alone than with a man who disrespects women for his amusement.
Strangers have no right to comment on my desirability or their own genitals with me, ever. Even negative remarks are unwelcome sexual communication and should cease immediately.
However, the messages that truly make me uncomfortable aren’t the insults; it’s the unsolicited photos or explicit descriptions of what someone wants to do to me. Those make me feel much more unsafe and disgusted than any rude comment.
So, if you’re reading this, I ask that you take a moment to absorb what I’m saying. First off, let’s not engage in the “not all men” argument. If this doesn’t pertain to you, that’s great—keep it that way. If you’re a decent guy who respects boundaries and waits for enthusiastic consent, fantastic! Now, please help your friends understand this issue.
It’s true that not all men engage in this behavior, but enough do that it warrants this discussion. Uninvited sexual messages are never acceptable.
After polling several hundred women about unsolicited sexual communication, responses varied. While some found these messages laughable, many reported feeling uncomfortable or even triggered, especially survivors of sexual assault. Not one woman expressed enjoyment for receiving unwanted explicit messages.
When you send unsolicited content, there’s a fifty-fifty chance it’ll end up in a group chat, where it’ll be ridiculed. Consider the long-term consequences of being that guy. The real issue is that you never know how your message will affect the woman on the receiving end.
One woman shared that her reaction depends on her emotional state that day; what annoys her today could deeply hurt her tomorrow. Regardless of your intent, uninvited sexual communication is at best an annoyance. It’s time to recognize that these messages can feel aggressive and threatening, not amusing.
We shouldn’t have to explain this to you. You’ve had ample time to learn how to treat others respectfully. If you’re sending unsolicited sexual messages, you are in the wrong.
Your sexual desires have no place in a woman’s life without her consent. I’m not saying you should never share intimate content again; consensual sexting can be enjoyable for many people. But jumping straight into it without permission is unacceptable.
I deserve to exist without receiving obscene messages simply because I’m a woman. Your penis does not belong in my life unless I invite it. Whether your message is positive or negative, explicit or vague, forcing someone into a sexual conversation is always wrong.
Before you send that next message, think about how it might affect the woman you’re contacting. It’s exhausting to deal with this kind of disrespect. We all deserve to feel safe, and you owe it to us—and to yourself—to be better.
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In summary, unsolicited sexual messages are not just annoying; they can be harmful. It’s important to respect boundaries and understand that not everyone is open to such communication. We need to create a culture of consent and respect.