Sometimes, the hardest part of sharing my story begins with the simple declaration: “I am a survivor of domestic abuse.” However, my mother was not as fortunate.
It’s almost instinctual for people to assume that my mother fell victim to violence at the hands of my father. That’s not the case. Instead, after nearly two decades of physical, mental, verbal, and emotional abuse towards my mom and me, my brother took her life. He was apprehended the next morning following a brief escape and standoff with the police. One might think the aftermath would be straightforward, especially since my brother confessed to me over the phone and cautioned me against returning home to find her. There were also numerous documented police visits over the years due to “domestic disturbances.” Yet, as I recount in my memoir, Fighting for Justice, it would take years before I saw him convicted. He manipulated the criminal justice system much like he had manipulated us for years. It was draining.
When my brother was finally imprisoned years later, I felt a sense of relief wash over me, as if the demanding legal processes had kept me captive in my own grief. With that chapter closed, I thought I could finally move on. But I quickly realized that the journey to healing would be far more challenging than I had anticipated. I assumed that with the end of my brother’s torment, the trauma would fade away. However, I learned that buried pain has a way of resurfacing. Trauma cannot simply be tucked away until it’s addressed.
Once the abuse ceased and I confronted it instead of merely surviving, a long and challenging road to recovery opened up. It was tough, but I understood I had to navigate it for my own sake and for my children. Not only did I need to explore the pain my brother had caused, but I also had to process it in a way that diminished its grasp on me. I had to revisit painful memories: the night of my mother’s murder, the ongoing abuse, the questions of “why” and “how.” I needed to do this enough so it would lose its power. Therapy and the right support were invaluable, along with a generous dose of grace and self-forgiveness.
The hardest part? Forgiveness.
I must be honest: I don’t think I can ever forgive my brother, nor do I believe it is a necessary step in my healing. As I wrote in my memoir, “I believe that forgiveness can transfer some of a victim’s lost freedom back to their abuser. It allows the guilty party to feel less remorse for their actions. But forgiveness is never a burden a victim should bear. What we owe ourselves is the space to heal and the ability to forgive ourselves.” After a decade of rigorous work and self-advocacy, I finally forgave myself for compromising my safety for someone else’s gain. This revelation has been transformative.
But my journey didn’t end there. Following forgiveness and healing, I had to learn how to set healthy boundaries. I had to reassess all my relationships based on those new standards, which meant letting go of many people who didn’t respect my healing process. This was heart-wrenching and introduced new trauma that I had to address in therapy.
I would be misleading if I said I remained steadfast in my healing. It’s always easier to pretend that trauma doesn’t exist than to confront the pain it brings, especially when your motivations are questioned. I’ve been accused of “playing the victim” simply for sharing my experience. However, I believe that sharing my story is integral to my healing and reflects the growth of those unwilling to engage with it.
So, to anyone reading this, keep going. The process may not be easy, but it’s worth it. You are worth it.
For those interested in further insights, you might find this blog post on home insemination helpful, as well as this excellent resource on pregnancy and home insemination. Understanding the emotional landscape can be essential for those on similar journeys.
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Summary:
This article narrates the long and painful journey of healing from the abuse inflicted by a brother, culminating in the tragic murder of the author’s mother. It reflects on the complexities of forgiveness, the necessity of addressing trauma, and the importance of establishing healthy boundaries in relationships. The author emphasizes the value of self-forgiveness and the challenges of navigating the healing process amidst societal misunderstandings.