I doubt my mother planned for my brother and me to be born just 16 months apart, but everyone around us saw it as a stroke of luck: we’d always have a playmate! We’d be inseparable best friends!
In reality, having a sibling so close in age meant we had someone to annoy, someone to tease, and yes, someone to fight with. I couldn’t stand him — he was the golden child with his charming smile and effortless popularity, while I often felt like the awkward one, despite my exceptional skills in astronomy. I felt unattractive, while he seemed to glide through life with ease. The constant comparisons didn’t help either; our teachers frequently held us up against each other. “Your brother aced the test,” one teacher remarked in front of the class, “there’s no reason you can’t do the same.” Except there was a reason. I was me, and he was him.
Our personalities were another factor — both of us were headstrong and quick to take offense. We bickered constantly, and I often heard my grandmother say, “Your brother is your burden.” I was battling untreated mental health issues, and perhaps he was too; I’ll never know because we drifted apart when I had my third child, for a myriad of reasons that were both his fault and mine. We were supposed to be best friends, but having kids born close together does not guarantee harmonious sibling relationships.
Every parent dreams that their children will form an unbreakable bond, cheering each other on through life’s ups and downs. However, research from Psychology Today indicates that sibling pairs aged 3 to 9 engage in conflict roughly every 18 minutes during playtime. While healthy sibling relationships often see more positive interactions than fights, the reality is that not all sibling dynamics are healthy. According to Time magazine, 3-10% of Americans have completely severed ties with their siblings.
Psychology Today explains that sibling estrangement can arise from childhood conflicts that evolve into deep-seated resentment. Just because you have two children born close together doesn’t mean they’ll naturally get along. Factors like favoritism can play a role. For example, in the article “Unloved Daughters and Their Siblings,” the author tells the story of Clara, whose older sister was the “perfect” child while she was labeled the “problematic” one. This dynamic led to a relationship characterized by obligatory phone calls on holidays, rather than genuine care.
In some situations, competition itself can damage sibling relationships. My brother and I were both fiercely competitive and often felt jealous of the attention the other received from our parents. I was frustrated that he got to attend events I had been excluded from, while he resented the time I took up with my own activities.
Some sibling groups struggle due to an inability to handle normal childhood conflicts. Katherine Conger, director of the Family Research Group at UC Davis, notes that for these siblings, there’s little motivation to maintain their bond. Parents can assist in mediating disputes, but personality traits also play a significant role. Some kids thrive in conflict, while others struggle. I tended to be the latter, and perhaps my brother was too.
The most concerning factor is that children raised in chaotic, abusive, or neglectful environments may adopt a “survival of the fittest” mindset, distancing themselves from siblings instead of forming close ties. According to psychotherapist Marcia Sirota, these children can internalize their parents’ harmful behaviors and turn against one another.
I never intended to have three boys born just two years apart, but so far, they seem to get along quite well — especially the oldest and youngest. My oldest carries his baby brother around, catering to his whims, while the middle child willingly shares his toys. They play together and, from my perspective, everything appears to be harmonious. I breathe a sigh of relief, at least for the time being.
Of course, I worry they might end up as fractured as my brother and I did. Yes, they squabble — I’ve seen the youngest pull the oldest’s hair, and they argue over toys — but somehow, they always manage to reconcile and return to playing together. I hope they’ll grow to be each other’s best friends and protectors. But I’ve learned not to assume that a close age gap guarantees that outcome.
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In summary, while having children close in age can seem like a guarantee for lifelong friendship, the truth is far more complex. Sibling relationships are influenced by many factors, including personality, competition, and external circumstances. As parents, our role is to support our children in navigating their relationships, but the outcome is never assured.