During my pregnancy with my daughter, Lily, I often heard well-meaning friends and family referring to her as “compatible with life.” This phrase struck me like a punch to the gut. It felt so clinical and detached from the precious baby I was nurturing. The conversations surrounding whether our little one would be viable were ones I never anticipated having as an expectant mother.
I was all too aware of the challenges we faced. Our beloved baby, so wanted and cherished, might arrive with significant difficulties or, even worse, not make it at all. Early in my pregnancy, I contemplated waiting to tell my older children, Sam and Emma, about the pregnancy until it became impossible to hide. After all, I reasoned, they couldn’t mourn what they didn’t know existed. The thought of their potential heartbreak was a heavy burden I carried.
As the weeks passed, I struggled with how to prepare for this new addition. Should I buy baby clothes? Wash tiny onesies? Setting up a nursery seemed like a cruel endeavor if it had to be dismantled later. The uncertainty was overwhelming. I realized I couldn’t live in this state of despair. I made a pivotal decision: we were going to embrace the joy.
While grief was inevitable, I chose not to let it dominate our lives. By accepting grief as a part of our narrative, I found the freedom to experience joy. Each day of my pregnancy was a gift, and despite the looming uncertainties, dreaming of our little girl filled me with happiness. I allowed myself and my family to revel in these moments, recognizing that depriving us of joy wouldn’t alter the outcome—whatever that might be.
“Live in the joy” became my guiding principle. This mantra didn’t erase the grief; instead, it allowed me to acknowledge it without letting it overshadow our happiness. I didn’t deny myself joy because it wasn’t compatible with life for me.
Throughout those months, filled with frequent ultrasounds, non-stress tests, and prenatal assessments, I prepared to welcome Lily. I even hired a birth photographer, which felt necessary rather than extravagant. Although it might seem morbid to think that way, looking back, I realize that despite the challenges, I didn’t feel overwhelmed by anxiety or dread. Instead, I felt an underlying happiness as I anticipated Lily’s arrival.
Lily came into our lives in August 2019, marking the beginning of a new chapter. Although she was born with challenges and received her first diagnosis shortly after birth, we’ve faced significant hurdles together. We know more challenges may lie ahead. On this journey, we’ve learned that grief is a constant companion, but so is joy.
I’ve discovered that grief and joy do not negate one another. They can exist simultaneously, often intertwined. Together, they embody the essence of life, and I choose to embrace every moment of it.
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Whether you’re dealing with challenges or celebrating joys, remember to allow yourself to feel the full spectrum of emotions.
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Summary:
In my journey through pregnancy with my daughter Lily, I experienced a complex mix of grief and joy. Despite facing the reality of possible challenges, I chose to embrace joy, allowing myself and my family to celebrate each moment. I’ve learned that grief and joy can coexist, providing a fuller experience of life.