We affectionately refer to it as her defiance expression. This is when my 7-year-old Mia tilts her head ever so slightly, locks eyes with me, and presses her lips into a straight line. Then, without missing a beat, she proceeds to do exactly what I just told her not to do.
For instance, when I advised her against drinking more water before bedtime, she shot me the defiance expression and guzzled down another glass. Just the other day at my son’s game, my partner told Mia to stay off the other court with her friend. But, of course, she turned back, gave us that look, and kept walking.
Every time she displays this behavior, I find myself saying, “Cut it out!” I often wonder, “Who do you think you are, kid?” Yet more often than not, she does exactly what she wants anyway.
Like all kids, Mia is a complex little being, but she stands out as the most tenacious among our three children. She thrives on getting her way and constantly tests the boundaries. Before stepping into parenthood, I often listened to my brother lamenting about his daughter—how she never followed instructions, always had a comeback, and seemed to think she was the boss. I told him it simply hinted at her blossoming into a strong-willed individual, which I considered a positive trait.
“You’re painting her as a problem,” I would say. “She’s destined to be a leader, perhaps a CEO or a politician. That’s fantastic!” He looked at me as if I had lost my mind.
It turns out, much to my surprise and his annoyance, I was onto something. A 2015 study from the American Psychological Association found that stubborn kids who challenge authority tend to become not just high achievers academically but also earn higher salaries as adults.
I know; it’s hard to digest. But here we are.
The study tracked children aged 8 to 12, assessing traits such as academic diligence, entitlement, and, crucially, defiance. When researchers followed up with these kids 40 years later, the results were clear: defiance in youth was a significant predictor of future financial success.
So, what does this mean for me, the father of an adorably stubborn daughter? It suggests there might be hope (I’m trying to keep a positive outlook here). Like any parent, my ultimate goal is for Mia to grow into a successful, independent woman. Based on this study, she’s on the right path.
It’s worth noting that the research doesn’t clarify why stubbornness correlates with future success. In a Time article discussing the findings, author Lisa Carter suggests that these children may be more competitive in school, resulting in better grades. They could also become more assertive adults, likely to negotiate for higher salaries. Such traits, while admirable in adults, can be exasperating in children. So, the next time you see a child throwing a tantrum in a store, instead of thinking, “That kid needs to learn some respect,” consider this: “That child might just be on their way to being a boss someday.”
Truth be told, I find solace in this research. There are nights when I lie awake pondering who Mia will grow into. Will she ever stop giving me that defiance expression? Will she outgrow the backtalk and door slamming? But perhaps I should focus on the many doors she is likely to burst through with her tenacity.
In a world where gender inequality persists, with pay gaps and glass ceilings still prevalent, I can’t help but think that if anyone can shatter those barriers, it’s my spirited and fiercely determined daughter.
When I reframe my thoughts this way, the challenges of parenting become a little less daunting. Raising children is indeed a gamble. Like many parents, I constantly question my methods, worrying I might inadvertently set off a chain reaction that leads to some regrettable outcome. But studies like this offer reassurance. They suggest that while Mia may be a handful now, her strong-willed nature could be paving the way for an incredible future.
So, to all of you with headstrong, spirited children who throw tantrums and give you the defiance expression, take heart. If this study holds true, these challenging moments are merely temporary. Eventually, that stubborn child will make you proud, turning all those frustrating days into worthwhile memories.