By: Jamie Lewis
Updated: Dec. 2, 2020
Originally Published: Dec. 2, 2020
I feel as if I’m plummeting. The shadows of my thoughts are deepened by the harsh Canadian winter that looms ominously outside my window. While my three energetic sons whirl around me, I attempt to remind myself to be grateful. I should push down the sadness that threatens to overwhelm me because I have a wonderful partner, three children, and a fulfilling career. I silence my inner critic, reminding myself that I have healthy kids and a seemingly perfect family.
Closing my eyes, I take a moment to breathe deeply. My journey into motherhood has had its share of challenges, including a miscarriage that came before my two successful pregnancies. I remember the stark room during the ultrasound, confirming what I already feared—my baby was gone. The irony stung as I saw the image of a happy couple leaving the room, while I carried the weight of emptiness.
Months later, joy returned when I welcomed my oldest son, followed by the birth of twin boys just two years after. “Be grateful for your life,” I tell myself.
My mother, a resilient woman, raised three children while navigating the complexities of a marriage to a man who offered little support. When she decided to leave, he claimed she wouldn’t succeed. He was mistaken.
It feels like an unspoken rite of passage for immigrant mothers, who arrive in a new country without family, struggling financially yet still managing to create a life for their children. The depths of their sacrifices often remain unseen, and mental health is rarely discussed.
Why is this journey so difficult for me? The pandemic has left me grasping for remnants of my previous life. Texting and video calls help but can’t replace the warmth of human contact. Being cooped up at home with my three boys, devoid of a supportive community, has left me feeling fragmented.
I’m expected to have it all together. Soon, I will return to work, which I see as a lifeline—a chance to reconnect with my identity as I venture out to teach other children. As I stand on the brink of reclaiming a piece of my former self, I realize how much I will miss witnessing my twins’ budding personalities and their big brother’s interactions with them.
One day, I aspire to be the mother who shares my experiences with overwhelmed moms, providing the comfort and relief I longed for during my most challenging times. I know my moment will come.
For more insights and support on parenting, consider checking out this post on home insemination. If you’re looking for expert information, Intracervical Insemination offers valuable resources. Additionally, explore Science Daily for comprehensive articles on pregnancy and fertility topics.