I stumbled upon a Goop article recently. I know, I know, why was I even browsing their site? I certainly don’t have $400 to splurge on a pair of baby alpaca wool socks that were supposedly crafted while the wool was still attached to the animal at birth. If you’re seeking the elusive secret to maintaining a youthful appearance in this piece or any similar article, prepare for disappointment. The reality is, there’s no miracle solution for looking younger. If such a secret existed, Goop would be charging a small fortune for it.
The straightforward truth is that we can’t remain youthful forever because aging is a natural part of life. We aren’t St. Cecilia, the Catholic figure whose body reportedly never decomposed after death. I find the word “forever” somewhat misleading; none of us can maintain a youthful look for decades, not even St. Cecilia, who’s been gone for 138 years—who knows what her skin might look like in another 300 years? I suspect she has a thin layer of wax covering her face to hide any signs of decay, so perhaps that’s the true secret to eternal youth.
Let’s not confuse aging with the desire to care for our appearance. Taking care of how we look is essential for self-confidence and overall health, both mental and physical. Regular exercise and using sunscreen are crucial. However, I’m not advocating for an obsession with wrinkles or spending exorbitant amounts on anti-aging products that ultimately don’t deliver results—attempting to halt the inevitable is futile. Unless you happen to be a mythical goddess, no one lives beyond 104 years, and that’s if you start eating nothing but fiber right now—and possibly invest in some wax for your face.
Goop offers various explanations for why we age (because, well, biology) and provides tips on how to stave off the signs of aging (which is impossible). Yet, they lack any real secret to looking younger “forever” (because it doesn’t exist, and “forever” is a myth). Here are some of their more amusing recommendations:
Fasting
“Try fasting for three hours between dinner and bedtime, and at least twelve hours overnight.” I was advised to do this when I was diagnosed with pre-diabetes. It doesn’t make you look younger; it just leaves you feeling famished and irritable. The term “fasting” should refer to how quickly you leap out of bed in the morning to grab breakfast.
Drink Organic Wine
It’s well-known that red wine has its health benefits—numerous studies back this up. But after a long day of chores, dealing with a sick child, and negotiating why we can’t use the cat’s water bowl, I think many of us would agree that the type of wine doesn’t matter. I’d even drink it from a box! (I firmly believe boxes can be organic.)
Swap Coffee for Matcha Latte
I’m not a big tea person, and I adore my coffee. If you want to convince me to sip a beverage that resembles pea soup (sans ham and carrots), you’ll need a better incentive than anti-aging. Will it give me the same energy boost that my toddler experiences after three hours of sleep and a single grape? Plus, “matcha” sounds like an Italian phrase for “fantastic!”
Take Melatonin for Better Sleep
Or, you know, just have some organic wine.
Incorporate More “Wild-Caught” Fish
The only way to get wild-caught fish is to wrest it from a bear. You might run from that bear like you did in your youth, but the stress would likely age you a decade! Sure, low-mercury fish is healthy for your brain, but so is puzzles—and they smell better. While fish is certainly healthier than pounds of red meat, salmon bacon just doesn’t hit the same spot.
Sleep on Your Side
According to Goop, “Sleeping on your right side stimulates your vagus nerve, which is crucial for managing stress.” But you know what really helps with stress? A box of wine.
Floss Regularly
“Flossing can reduce your mortality risk by 30%,” claims Goop. This might be the closest thing to a true secret for maintaining a youthful appearance—immortality via Oral-B.
Sauna Sessions
While I agree that sweating and steam can be beneficial for your skin, I’m skeptical that a sauna can activate “longevity genes” like a microwave pops corn.
Tech Meditation
Goop suggests using a Muse Brain-Sensing Headband, which is basically a $250 headset that generates white noise. If I’m not transported into a futuristic game of Tron within seconds of turning it on, I’m out. That’s a lot of cash for headphones. Sure, meditation is beneficial for stress relief, but you can also unwind in a hot bath with white noise from Pandora for free.
Sleep Tracking
If you don’t have toddlers or young children at home, your sleep is likely better than ours. Unfortunately, sleepless nights are part of the parenting experience. Goop proposes using a sleep tracker to monitor how little sleep you’re getting. They recommend aiming for at least one hour of deep sleep, which is when memories are consolidated. While this doesn’t directly relate to the secret of maintaining a youthful appearance, it does mean that in 40 years, you’ll reminisce about how young you once looked while sipping your organic wine and enjoying salmon bacon.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel and look beautiful. However, the key is recognizing that you are already beautiful, and age is merely a number. What happened to embracing yourself—wrinkles, stretch marks, laugh lines, and all? Each scar, wrinkle, and imperfection tells a story about your life, and the quality of that life is far more significant than superficial appearances.
The essence of youth should be less about the age of your face and more about the richness of your life experiences. The true secret to looking younger forever is to cherish what you have, where you’ve been, and who you are today. You can’t purchase that.
So, go out there with your messy bun, comfy sweatpants, and maybe a little spit-up on your shirt (or is it something else? It all blends together after a few sleepless nights). Wear that bikini. Show off the scar from your sixth-grade skateboard accident. Go be beautiful because you already are.
And hey, consider picking up some baby alpaca wool socks—they’re only $15.99 on Etsy!
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Summary: This article humorously critiques Goop’s suggestions for achieving eternal youth, emphasizing that aging is a natural part of life. It discusses various tips offered by the site while advocating for self-acceptance and celebrating the beauty of life’s experiences. Ultimately, the article encourages readers to appreciate their uniqueness and live fully in the present moment.