Celebrate! The 2017 GOOP Holiday Gift Guide is finally out! It’s that delightful season once more when Gwyneth and her team curate a collection of extravagant items that most of us can only dream about. This year’s edition is no exception—it’ll have you laughing, crying, and feeling a bit broke. It’s become a holiday staple!
In response to the ongoing mockery of her selections, last year Gwyneth introduced a category titled “The Ridiculous But Awesome Gift Guide.” She’s trying to join in on the humor, but let’s be real—stay in your lane, Gwyneth. This is my territory.
Let’s dive into the list.
At-Home Float Tank from Royal Spa, $16,500
At first, I mistook this for a futuristic, glow-in-the-dark toilet (which honestly, I would consider). But no, it’s a pod filled with water that you enter and seal shut. Because who doesn’t want to experience claustrophobia in the comfort of their own home? Thanks, but I’ll pass on being trapped in a plastic coffin. MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Ural Sidecar Motorcycle, starting at $14,499
Advertised as “For you and your ride or die,” this motorcycle hails from Russia, where thrill-seekers navigate grueling terrains. Or, you could just toss your dog in it and head to the PTA meeting—how charming.
Rose Gold Champagne Tumbler, $2,590
Nothing says “Cheers!” like a $2,590 cup. And no, Sheila, it’s not a set; it’s just one cup. So don’t forget to bring your own rose gold tumbler. HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
Blink And You’ll Miss It Remote Camp, price upon request
I’m not quite sure what this is, but it seems like a rich person’s version of “Naked and Afraid.” They drop you in a remote location with a custom tent, and you pretend to enjoy the wilderness—very Instagrammable, but also a bit nightmarish.
Chocolate Cutter, price upon request
Another “price upon request” item, which usually signals a cost higher than your last shopping spree. It’s a chocolate cutter that isn’t even cutting well. Who needs to slice a Reese’s into four pieces? Just eat it!
Stuffed Animal Chairs, price upon request
Where do you even sit on these things? I’m afraid to know the cost because it’s probably infuriating—and they’re already sold out.
Yellow Submarine, price upon request
It seems the trend is to not disclose prices, perhaps because you can’t afford them, silly! This one is for when your yacht is being serviced. What is it with the wealthy and these claustrophobic toys?
E! calculated that acquiring everything from this year’s guide would set you back over $6 million. Thanks for keeping it real, Gwyneth!
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To sum up, the 2017 GOOP Holiday Gift Guide is a comically extravagant collection of items that most can only admire from afar. From absurd float tanks to luxurious tumblers, it’s a reminder of how the other half lives.