November 24, 2021
As a divorced woman with three children, I find myself navigating new relationships and dynamics. My ex-husband is in a serious relationship with his girlfriend, and I’m also in a committed partnership. It seems likely that they might tie the knot soon. Despite my kids having a good bond with his girlfriend, they struggle with one particular term: “stepmom.”
One day, during a heartfelt discussion with my daughter, she expressed her discomfort. My ex’s girlfriend had been upset when my daughter refused to share a room with her younger daughter. Although their house has enough space for each girl to have her own room, the younger girl idolizes my daughter and dislikes sleeping alone.
Being a teenager, my daughter values her personal space. When she stated her reluctance to share a room, my ex’s girlfriend took it quite personally. During our conversation, my daughter firmly said, “She’s not my mom. Even if she and Dad marry, she won’t be my mom.” That’s a stance I wholeheartedly support. I’ve had my own experiences with step-parents, and I remember how my parents pressured us to accept their new spouses. It would have been far healthier if we’d been given time to determine what these new relationships meant to us.
To me, it’s merely a label. I believe my children should be respectful and understand their parents love other people, but they don’t need to regard those individuals as parental figures. They already have two loving parents, and there’s no second-place title in that role—nothing will change my mind on that.
Regarding my boyfriend’s kids, my feelings are the same. I won’t replace their mother, nor do I intend to take on a parental role. Even if we were to live together, I wouldn’t claim the title of a parent to them. I can be a mentor, a supporter, and someone they can talk to, but I will never be a parent to them.
Gabrielle Union’s Perspective
Gabrielle Union shares a similar perspective. She refers to herself as an “additional adult in their lives” rather than a step-parent, a term she finds annoying. In a conversation with Glennon Doyle on the podcast We Can Do Hard Things, Union emphasized the importance of consistency in her role with her husband Dwyane Wade’s three children from a prior relationship. She highlighted that these kids have already faced significant changes, such as moving states and experiencing a divorce, so it’s crucial to provide a stable presence rather than trying to assume the role of another parent.
Union wisely advises not to attempt to replace the other parent, regardless of circumstances. Instead, she encourages being consistent in your behavior, so kids can understand and adapt to who you are.
From my own experience, I too recognize that I have my hands full raising my children and co-parenting with their father. Introducing more adults into the mix complicates things. I don’t have the energy to take on additional parenting responsibilities for other kids. My boyfriend and my ex’s girlfriend each have their own parenting styles, and we respect that.
This doesn’t mean we don’t communicate or seek one another’s advice when needed. There have been times I’ve reached out to my ex-husband’s girlfriend, and she has willingly offered her support, understanding her role is not as a parent but as someone who cares for my children because she loves their father.
Not everything needs a label. I have always felt uncomfortable referring to my in-laws as “Mom” or “Dad,” just as I feel uneasy with the term “step-parent.” If you’re in a relationship with someone who has children and feel similarly, you’re not alone. Everyone has their preferences, and that’s okay. For my family, there won’t be any step-parents—just more love and support for everyone involved. After all, that’s what truly matters.
Additional Resources
For more insights on navigating complex family dynamics, check out this blog post on home insemination kit and learn from the experts at Intracervical Insemination, which is a valuable resource on this topic. Additionally, the CDC provides excellent information related to pregnancy and home insemination.
Search Queries
- What to call your step-parent
- Navigating relationships with step-parents
- How to support children in blended families
- Coping strategies for step-parenting
- Building relationships with step-siblings
Summary
Gabrielle Union expresses her dislike for the term “step-parent,” emphasizing the importance of consistency in her role with her husband’s children. Union and others advocate for a supportive relationship without the need for titles like “step-parent,” focusing instead on love and respect. This perspective resonates with many who feel overwhelmed by the complexities of blended families.