As a woman who has spent the last 12 years as a stay-at-home mom and work-at-home mom, I can vouch for the immense difficulties that come with this lifestyle. Am I lucky to have this option? Definitely. I recognize that countless parents do not have the luxury to choose between staying home and working outside the home. When my first child was born, I had that choice, and I’m thankful for it. I don’t regret my decision—my husband works long hours and travels frequently, and being home allows me to provide the stability our children need. They always know there’s a parent available for them, which has been beneficial for our family.
However, the reality of being a stay-at-home mom has proven to be far more challenging than I ever anticipated. I wasn’t ready for the profound loneliness or the sense of isolation that would wash over me. I did not expect to experience depression after stepping away from my career. The realization that my days were filled with endless cycles of breastfeeding, diaper changes, and cleaning up sticky messes felt suffocating.
Moreover, I wasn’t prepared for how much loneliness and isolation would affect my marriage, creating a significant amount of resentment towards my husband. While he stepped out into the world every day, wearing clean clothes and enjoying spontaneous lunches with colleagues, I felt trapped at home. He received praise for his work, while I felt invisible, and this disparity strained our relationship for a long time.
It’s crucial to have conversations about the difficulties of being a stay-at-home mom and recognize that many mothers are genuinely struggling. This doesn’t diminish the challenges faced by working moms—because their journey is tough too—but being a stay-at-home mom is a unique struggle that often requires more support. Moms in this role need encouragement, assistance, and the reassurance that they are not alone.
To the father at the bus stop with five kids, shamelessly using the stay-at-home moms for childcare while you take your work call—shame on you.
Confessions of a Stay-at-Home Mom
Confession #1: My husband works from home while I’m a stay-at-home mom. I was relaxing on the couch with my 4-year-old during his screen time while the baby napped. My husband glanced at me and asked, “What are you doing? Shouldn’t you be cleaning?” WHY DO MEN SAY THIS?!
Confession #2: I want to cry but can’t. My husband tells me to stop but doesn’t comfort me, so I hold it in. This is why I’ve gained 50 pounds. I feel frustrated and sad. If only I could take medication, but my husband discourages it. Ah, the joys of SAHM life, right?
Confession #3: After 12 years of marriage, six with kids, as a stay-at-home mom, my husband has never once told me to sleep in while he takes care of the kids. It’s the little things that chip away at my love for him.
If you are a partner to a stay-at-home mom, it’s essential to show her validation and appreciation. Encourage her to take time for herself and practice self-care. Let her sleep in; you can manage the kids at 6 a.m. on the weekends. If she manages to get out of the house by herself, don’t call her. Be supportive, not dismissive.
Confession #4: I’m a stay-at-home mom pursuing education, but I have zero help with the baby. My husband works 3-4 hours a day and claims he’s tired.
Confession #5: My biggest regret as a stay-at-home mom is not planning for a career once the kids were older. The day may come when my husband says, “If you disappeared tomorrow, it wouldn’t matter,” because I don’t contribute financially.
Confession #6: I despise my job and am going on leave for the baby next week. My husband wants me to stay home, but I’m terrified. I don’t know whether I’ll hate being a working mom or a stay-at-home mom more.
Confession #7: If I had financial independence, I could make my own choices. But as a stay-at-home mom, I gave up my career. I love spending time with my kids, but now that they’re older, I feel completely dependent on my husband, who is turning into a grumpy oaf. Can you say regret?
Many stay-at-home moms put their careers on hold to be present during the baby and toddler years, which can profoundly affect their self-worth.
Confession #8: I’m struggling to find positivity, even though I know I have a good life. I’m tired of my husband’s mental and verbal abuse. I’m more angry at myself for letting go of my career and education to fulfill the idealized role of a good wife and mom.
Confession #9: My husband is selfish in bed. He rarely attends to my needs, expecting me to meet his. I can’t cut him off because he may seek comfort elsewhere, leaving me as a stay-at-home mom with no income and no options.
Confession #10: If I hadn’t fallen into the stay-at-home mom trap, I might be financially independent and living in a place where healthcare, housing, and education are prioritized for all. Now, I’m stuck, watching my kids struggle while I stay with my husband for financial security.
The truth is, for many mothers, being a stay-at-home mom is incredibly tough. Some women thrive in this role, relishing the experience, but many of us feel like we are drowning. We look at the clock at 9:45 a.m., wondering how we will survive another day of playing with toys, doing puzzles, and coaxing little ones to use the toilet. Showering feels pointless, especially when our partners are out in the world interacting with adults while we remain at home, often feeling like a neglected shadow.
To all the stay-at-home moms reading this: I see you. I understand your struggles. You are incredible, and you are still beautiful, even with a bit of spit-up in your hair. Don’t forget that.
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Summary
The life of a stay-at-home mom can be overwhelmingly challenging, filled with loneliness, isolation, and a sense of loss. Many mothers grapple with feelings of resentment towards their partners and struggle to find validation in their roles. It’s crucial to acknowledge these feelings and offer support to those navigating the complexities of motherhood. Stay-at-home moms deserve recognition and care, and it’s essential for their partners to appreciate their contributions.