When adoption comes up in conversations or on social media, we often see phrases like “born in my heart, not under it” and sentiments about being “chosen” or “blessed.” However, beneath these uplifting messages lies a complex reality—a birth mother grappling with her decision and the emotional intricacies that accompany the notion of being “born in my heart.”
As a mother of three, with two of my children adopted (one biological and the other two from China), my perspective on family has shifted profoundly. Our most recent adoption was finalized over two years ago, and I now see my kids as simply my kids—not distinguished by their adoption status. The initial adjustment period is behind us, and life has settled into what we consider our version of normal.
Still, those heartfelt adoption memes I see on my social media resonate deeply with me. Our family has been shaped through adoption, and the journey has imparted valuable lessons about myself and life in general. At times, I find myself reflecting on how I arrived at this point in my life. In my 20s, I envisioned a different path, one that was undoubtedly selfish. But life rarely unfolds as planned, and that’s perfectly fine.
Adoption has led me to unexpected places and influenced every aspect of my existence. Here are four significant lessons I’ve learned along the way:
- Embracing a Richer Cultural Perspective
As a white woman from South Texas, my celebrations typically revolved around Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Tex-Mex dishes. Welcoming Asian children into our family has opened my eyes to the importance of cultural diversity. Despite my kids being American, their ethnic backgrounds remind me of the responsibility I carry to incorporate elements of their heritage into our daily lives. I strive to honor traditions such as Lunar New Year and Moon Festival, even if I sometimes feel I fall short. Adopting my children has expanded my worldview in unexpected ways. - Understanding New Dimensions of Pain and Healing
I once thought of adoption solely as a joyous event, but it encompasses a wide range of emotions. While postpartum depression is widely acknowledged, post-adoption depression is less understood and often dismissed. This can be an isolating experience. I’ve also encountered the heart-wrenching reality of children who remain without families, which has left me emotionally affected after visits to China. Witnessing the struggles of those less fortunate has profoundly impacted my heart. - Cultivating Patience and Diplomacy
Instant gratification has always been my go-to mindset, but adoption requires an abundance of waiting—whether it’s for paperwork or the process itself. It’s akin to an extended, unpredictable pregnancy. While I can’t claim to have mastered patience, I have learned to accept the wait and adapt my expectations. This shift in perspective has improved my parenting and overall happiness. Additionally, I’ve encountered well-meaning yet intrusive questions about our adoption choices. Instead of reacting defensively, I’ve developed the ability to respond without letting ignorance ruin my day. - Recognizing That Adoption is Not Second Best
Initially, I had concerns about whether I could love my adopted children as fiercely as I would a biological child. The bond didn’t come easily, but I can confidently say that my love for them is as profound as it would be for any biological child. Good things, including love and connection, often come through challenges.
Adoption has dramatically reshaped my life, revealing new lessons at every turn. The experience has taught me that there’s always more to learn and discover, and life continues to surprise me in wonderful ways. Despite the chaos and messiness, the journey has been overwhelmingly positive.
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In summary, my adoption journey has been filled with profound lessons, challenging moments, and joyful surprises, all of which have enriched my life in ways I never anticipated.