A few years ago, my son obtained his driving license. He had a head start since he spent several years working on my father’s farm, getting used to driving tractors, lawn mowers, and my father’s truck.
When I first got into the car with him, I was like any other parent—nervous and tense—while he seemed relaxed and confident. He passed his driving test on the first attempt, driving a stick shift, which he had eagerly saved up for. He cherished that car, spending hours cleaning it and investing his earnings into enhancing it. He worked all weekend, drove himself to and from work, shuttled his siblings to school, and even paid for his gym membership.
He was responsible and reliable. In our state, new drivers aren’t allowed to have minors in the car (except siblings) until they maintain a clean driving record for nine months. I reminded him of this rule several times, and he assured me he wouldn’t break it. “It’s not worth it,” I told him. “You’d have to start over.”
Despite my gut feeling, he insisted I was being overly cautious. However, just two weeks before reaching his nine-month mark, he decided to take a drive. It was during the pandemic, and he claimed he needed to get out to fuel up and grab an energy drink.
I told him to be careful and settled in to watch my show. Less than ten minutes later, I received a call from my son informing me that he had flipped his car. Although he was unharmed, the car was wrecked beyond repair.
“Don’t freak out when you see it,” he said.
Instead of going to the store, my son had taken a joy ride with three friends under eighteen. He took a turn too quickly, and they all had to crawl out from the overturned vehicle. He didn’t call the police, but a passerby did.
I arrived shortly after the officer. Instead of running away, his friends stayed for support, and my son admitted he had been driving them around when he wasn’t supposed to. He lost his license for three months and had to wait another nine months before he could have another passenger in the car.
While I was relieved that he and his friends were okay, I felt betrayed. Not only had he lied to me, but he had also broken the law—putting himself, his friends, and others in danger. This law exists for a reason: my son wouldn’t have felt the need to take risks if he wasn’t trying to impress his friends.
A few days later, I was still seething. I listened to a podcast about guilt, where the therapist explained that guilt is often unproductive and can be harmful. I wanted my son to feel guilty; I thought he should. But I realized I had a choice: I could either punish him or allow him the opportunity to move on without constantly reminding him of his mistake.
That summer, I learned the importance of second chances. My son had disappointed me, and my trust was shaken. However, I needed to give him the chance to rebuild it—something my brother-in-law, an elementary school principal, emphasized as crucial for parenting.
If we remain angry, hold grudges, and refuse to trust our kids, they may feel they have nothing to lose and become less inclined to follow rules. They may even think, “Why should I bother being respectful if my parents are already upset with me?”
I’m not suggesting that kids shouldn’t face consequences; they absolutely should. But they also deserve second chances, support, and guidance. If we shut them out, we only harm them and ourselves, and the situation won’t improve.
As parents, we must trust that if bad behavior continues, we can impose further consequences later instead of continuously reminding them of their mistakes. This approach can create distance, leading them to avoid sharing their struggles with us for fear of disapproval.
Letting go of my instinct to hover over my son while he resumed driving was challenging. However, what he needed most was my belief in him.
That experience was over a year ago. It taught him a valuable lesson. Not only has he stayed out of trouble since, but he also recently picked up his brother from school and witnessed one of his friends speeding in the parking lot.
When he saw the cop pull his friend over, he said, “It felt so good to drive by and be a good kid. Seeing that cop gave me flashbacks.”
Trusting our children after they’ve made mistakes can yield positive results, even when it feels like they don’t deserve our understanding.
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In summary, allowing your child to learn from their mistakes while providing the necessary support can lead to growth and rebuilding trust. It’s essential to balance discipline with opportunities for redemption, ensuring that they feel empowered to make better choices in the future.