Our family’s swear jar currently contains just two coins. One was dropped in by my 7-year-old when he was five, after he exclaimed, “What the hell is that?” while pointing at a bizarre item in a gift shop. He quickly looked up at me and reassured, “Don’t cry, mama.” The other coin was added last week when his older brother lost a chess piece: “You bastard!” he shouted, using the term correctly, at least. That’s our swear jar—an astonishing total of 20 cents.
The jar’s meager collection can be attributed to our relaxed attitude towards colorful language. My youngest is particularly fond of David Bowie’s “Queen Bitch,” requesting it with enthusiasm (a trend I’ve started to notice). All the kids joyfully sing along to “O! You Pretty Things,” even belting out the line, “The other’s a bitch.” They can recite the lyrics of Hamilton, which includes “My name is Hercules Mulligan/When you knock me down I get the f**k back up again!” I even allow them to sing the unfiltered version of the Benjamin Franklin song, whose chorus asks, “Do you know who the f**k I am?” Clearly, my kids aren’t shy about their vocabulary, making the swear jar practically pointless.
Every time they let a curse slip, I sternly remind them to contribute to the jar, and then retreat to another room to share a good laugh. I’m done with the swear jar; it’s ineffective. I’m not bothered if my kids use profanity—so long as they don’t do it in front of Grandma or Nana and use it appropriately.
What truly worries me is whether my children are kind. I care deeply when I see them being unkind to one another, ignoring each other, or teasing. It bothers me when I witness my oldest dismissing his younger brother or my middle son terrorizing the others with a squirt gun. I care when I catch them kicking each other or chanting silly insults. I don’t care if they grow up swearing like me; I care about them becoming compassionate, empathetic individuals.
Introducing the Meanness Jar
Thus, I introduce the Meanness Jar. It’s similar to the swear jar, but I anticipate it will fill up much faster. Each time I catch one of them being unkind, a coin goes into the Meanness Jar. They’ll have to do some mental math to track their allowances as they contribute. Standard offenses will cover typical sibling squabbles: fighting, refusing to assist one another, huffing, name-calling, and ignoring each other.
Tattling will also incur a fine, as it’s an attempt to get someone else in trouble for personal gain. If a child touches another in an unwanted manner after being told not to, that’ll be a triple violation. While August calling his brother a “bastard” might seem like a swear offense, it’s really about being mean-spirited.
This jar will also account for unkindness directed toward their father and me. I won’t include general disobedience since kids can be kids, but obviously hurtful backtalk, like saying “I hate you,” will be a fineable offense.
This jar might fill up quickly, not because my kids are terrible to each other—they’re generally quite sweet. My oldest is always the first to help when his youngest brother gets hurt. My middle child once gifted a chunk of his allowance to his youngest sibling for a toy at Target. They can be remarkably generous. However, like all kids aged 9, 7, and 5, they also exhibit typical sibling antics. They annoy each other with silly sounds, snatch toys, and jump on each other. They love to tattle.
Once the Meanness Jar fills up, we’ll have a significant amount. I plan to allocate part of the funds to a charity of their choice, like the local kitten rescue run by a friend. The remainder will go toward family outings—perhaps gas for a trip or campsite fees. To reinforce the lesson about money, I intend to take them to roll the coins, so they grasp that it’s not just a trivial amount.
Perhaps if it comes from their own allowances, they’ll think twice before being unkind to one another. Even if it doesn’t change their behavior, it gives me a tangible way to address unkindness. This new approach is certainly a better alternative than the ineffective swear jar.
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In summary, the Meanness Jar serves as a proactive approach to instill kindness in children while still allowing for some light-heartedness in their use of language. By focusing on compassion, we can foster a more supportive family dynamic.