Can you do self-insemination at home ?
Relief is a complex and often misunderstood emotion. It’s something many people experience, akin to the calming sensation of fresh air after a long period of anxiety. However, it’s not a typical response to grief or loss. Most people do not feel relief when a loved one passes away—yet, that was my reality when my mother died.
When my mother passed away in June, I felt a wave of comfort and happiness wash over me. It was respite from years of turmoil. My mother was a multifaceted individual, grappling with mental health issues and addiction later in life. She often expressed anger, and her abusive behavior was a constant presence in my life.
For 36 years, I endured emotional manipulation and verbal assaults from her. Her death provided me with closure and, yes, relief. While I struggle with the guilt of feeling this way, it is essential to understand my mother’s background and our fraught relationship.
She battled undiagnosed depression for years, and her struggles deeply affected my childhood. I often felt belittled and unloved, her harsh words echoing in my mind. As she turned to alcohol in her fifties, our relationship became increasingly strained. I didn’t hate her; rather, I despised the person she had become and the pain she inflicted.
Caring for someone with addiction is an immense challenge, and I felt it was my duty to help her. So, when I received the news that she was “missing” on June 24th, I remained composed. The possibility of her passing brought me a sense of relief, as it meant the end of ongoing pain—for both of us.
I attempted to reach her multiple times, but my calls went unanswered. Eventually, I used a key to enter her apartment, fully aware of what I might discover. I took a deep breath, not out of fear, but because I felt a sense of peace as I stepped into her space. I understood that if she were gone, she would finally be at rest—and so would I.
Let me clarify: I never wished for her death. Despite feeling relieved, I often wish she were still alive, as her presence could have changed our narrative. I mourn the relationship we missed out on and the memories that will never come to be. This brings a heavy weight of shame and guilt. I feel I failed to save her and, in turn, our relationship.
While many share similar feelings of relief when grieving, mine feels taboo. An article from What’s Your Grief highlights this sentiment: “Grievers often carry relief as though it’s a deep, dark secret… but emotions aren’t mutually exclusive.” Understanding that there’s no right or wrong way to grieve can be comforting, even if it doesn’t lessen the intensity of those emotions.
If you find yourself grieving a complicated loved one and feeling relief, remember that your feelings are valid. You are not alone in this experience.
For more insights on navigating grief, consider checking out some resources like Women’s Health, which offers valuable information. Additionally, this article can provide further context on related topics.
Search Queries:
- How to cope with loss of a parent
- Understanding complicated grief
- Finding relief in loss
- Dealing with a toxic relationship with a parent
- Emotional effects of a loved one’s death
In summary, while relief may seem an inappropriate response to the loss of a loved one, it is a valid emotion that many experience. Understanding the complexities of the relationship and acknowledging these feelings can be the first step towards healing.