When my first marriage ended, my children were still in their early years—my eldest daughter was just two, and my youngest had recently turned one. The separation was swift, with me being the “at-fault” party, and I chose not to contest it, fearing a prolonged battle. As a result, my ex-husband gained residential custody, which meant our daughters would attend school where he lived, and I would have them one day less each week. My schedule consisted of Sunday nights, Wednesday nights, and every other weekend, with holidays arranged according to a strict local guideline.
The transition into single motherhood, coupled with the emotional upheaval of the divorce, took a significant toll on my well-being. I was grappling with the loss of my mother, raising two young girls, working full-time, and teaching classes part-time. My life felt like it was unraveling, and I was unsure if I was experiencing a manic episode, post-partum depression, or PTSD. Despite spending thousands on medical consultations, the answers remained elusive. All I knew was that my emotions were in disarray.
Friends often remarked, “I can’t imagine how you manage. I’d be lost without my kids.” I was indeed struggling, but it wasn’t solely due to the time apart from my children. Those moments away were essential for me to reclaim my sense of self. However, I was bombarded with remarks that reinforced the idea that I should be suffering in my absence from my “babies.” It seemed like every mother I knew felt compelled to remind me of the supposed agony of separation, which only intensified my feelings of guilt.
I’ve never been the type of mom to sob at the thought of returning to work after maternity leave. Instead, I longed for the rare moments of solitude, even enjoying breakfast alone on my first day back at work. Rather than grieving, I was celebrating the return to my own identity, reveling in the quietness of my thoughts for the first time in months.
Unfortunately, this newfound independence came with a heavy dose of stigma. For years, I struggled with guilt for finding joy in my time alone. No one ever acknowledged the benefits of having a break—no one ever said, “Wow, it must be nice to catch up on chores or have a moment to breathe.” Instead, I felt ostracized for my desire for personal time, allowing the judgments of others to weigh heavily on my conscience.
Reflecting back on my maternity leave, I can say it was one of the most challenging periods of my life. The 90 days at home were grueling, with little support from my spouse. My first daughter would cry for hours, and I developed tricks to soothe her, like running the vacuum in her room, feeling guilty for doing so. Each day was a battle, and while others framed motherhood as a blissful experience, I felt isolated in my struggles.
Fast forward to today, my daughters are now eight and nine, and my ex-husband has become more accommodating. I now have more time with my girls than ever before, with a schedule that allows me to enjoy them fully. I’ve come to cherish my time without the kids, using it to bake, plan community events, sleep in, and reconnect with myself. It has been a journey of self-discovery, and I am grateful for the opportunity to understand my limits and embrace my identity outside of motherhood.
To those who claim they couldn’t survive a moment without their children, I’d say it’s time to re-evaluate. There is a pervasive belief in our society that a mother’s life must revolve completely around her children, and expressing the need for personal time equates to being a “bad mom.” We need to support one another with honesty and empathy, sharing the real struggles of motherhood instead of perpetuating the myth of perfection.
Now, when people ask how I manage it all, the answer is simple: I have learned to prioritize my own needs. This balance enables me to truly appreciate the time I spend with my children. My absence only enhances our moments together, allowing me to be fully present when I’m with them.
In conclusion, independence has not only enriched my life but has also made me a better parent. Embracing time for myself has fostered a deeper appreciation for my daughters, and ultimately, that’s what truly matters.
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