I’ll always remember the day a friend suggested that I was making excuses for my child with special needs. She implied that I was seeking special treatment for my child—deviating from the typical expectations placed on four-year-olds. “Kids need to learn to navigate the real world,” she asserted.
I was taken aback. My child had two official diagnoses and another pending. This friend, someone I had trusted for a long time, was essentially saying I was failing as a parent. It hurt.
As I began to find my footing in the world of special needs parenting, I decided to cut ties with that friend. It wasn’t just her insensitive comments about special needs kids; she was also a constant source of negativity. I realized I needed to focus my time and energy on my family.
I sought the necessary support for my child, starting with school. We developed an IEP (Individualized Education Program) to ensure appropriate teaching methods and accommodations. We also pursued outside therapies, a journey that continues today. Yet, my friend’s words lingered in my mind. Would all this support lead my child to feel entitled or lazy? How could I provide assistance without allowing them to think the world revolves around them?
Children with conditions like ADHD and sensory processing disorder (SPD) often struggle to manage their emotions. They can quickly become overwhelmed—whether from sensory overload or unexpected changes. Meltdowns, which can resemble tantrums, are not the same and can be misunderstood by those who don’t experience it firsthand.
Regardless of my child’s diagnoses, I am committed to holding them accountable for their actions. They have immense potential, and I want to help them realize it.
Finding the Right Balance
The challenge for many parents of children with special needs is to find a balance between understanding their struggles and teaching them basic decency. To do this, I’ve learned to be proactive, implementing strategies that encourage my child to make good choices. Just as telling someone with anxiety to “calm down” is ineffective, a child with special needs cannot be soothed with dismissive phrases.
Some of our strategies include noise-canceling headphones and chewing gum. I always keep fidget toys handy for situations like waiting in line or sitting in a waiting room.
We also avoid environments where we know our child will struggle. Busy restaurants and large stores can be overwhelming due to sensory overload—the bright lights, unpredictable sounds, and countless items to touch can be triggers. Even with our go-to tools, these public spaces pose challenges.
Addressing Misconceptions
Am I coddling my child? I’ve faced that accusation many times, usually from parents who don’t understand the complexities of raising a child with special needs. If I have the patience, I explain that kids with special needs often have to work much harder than their typically-developing peers in most situations. I can’t just put my child in a difficult environment and expect success; it’s my job to prepare, guide, and gradually encourage them to manage on their own.
Like all kids, mine makes mistakes. Children with intense emotions are constantly honing their emotional regulation skills. I can often see the signs when my child is reaching their limit—a moment away from losing control. Sometimes I can help them take a deep breath or ask for assistance, but other times it’s too late.
When my child loses control and throws something, it might be a sibling’s favorite toy or an item sitting on the counter. The aftermath usually involves embarrassment and tears. Once things calm down, we discuss what happened, and I guide my child to think about how to resolve the situation—often leading to an apology.
Even my youngest, a toddler, understands the concept of making amends. If you mess up, you need to fix it, which might mean using their allowance to replace a broken toy. In instances outside the home, like at school, we’ll write an apology note together. We avoid imposing unrelated punishments that only complicate matters.
Encouraging Open Discussions
We prioritize open discussions—both proactively and retrospectively. Recently, while at the library, a woman at the checkout counter caught my child’s attention, leading them to exclaim, “That lady looks weird.” I was shocked and embarrassed by their choice of words.
Although my first instinct was to reprimand them, I knew that would only push my child into an emotionally charged state, creating more issues without teaching any lessons. Instead, I calmly turned the situation into a learning opportunity by asking how they thought the woman felt. My child responded with “Sad.” The focus was on cultivating empathy rather than shame, reminding them that words have weight. We also talked about how to approach similar situations in the future with kindness.
I want all my children to be accountable for their actions, including my child with special needs. They may require more opportunities to practice decision-making and respond appropriately, but when they make mistakes, we address it and move on.
As I often remind those who judge my parenting methods, I’m not making excuses. I’m providing explanations, and I appreciate an open-minded approach and support.
Additional Resources
For more insights on parenting and special needs, check out this helpful resource or this one about emotional regulation. And if you’re interested in parenting strategies, don’t miss this related blog post here.
Conclusion
In summary, holding a child with special needs accountable requires a delicate balance of understanding their challenges while guiding them toward better choices. It’s about creating a nurturing environment where they can learn and grow, despite the hurdles they face.