It was my first experience in group therapy—a gathering of women, each with her own unique story, united by a common struggle: eating disorders. At 22, I had been wrestling with this challenge for years. Among the participants was a mother whose story left me reeling. She admitted to purging while her child was nearby, grappling with a cycle of bingeing and guilt. My initial reaction was one of judgment. “Get it together before you bring a child into this world!” I thought, unaware of how life would later mirror the very struggles I had dismissed.
Fast forward over a decade, and I found myself pregnant with my first child, still ensnared by my own eating disorder. It soon became clear that my desire to maintain control over my eating habits was stronger than my will to protect my unborn child. I was overwhelmed with fear and shame, constantly battling the urge to purge—an action I had resorted to countless times before. The guilt that accompanied my thoughts was suffocating. I felt like the worst person imaginable, convinced that my struggle could result in dire consequences for my baby.
Each day presented the same relentless fight. My internal dialogue was harsh: “You’re repulsive. You don’t deserve this baby or happiness.” As new parents, we prepare meticulously—studying books, decorating nurseries, and ensuring car seats are properly installed. However, I entered motherhood still tethered to an active eating disorder. I held onto the naive hope that carrying a child would somehow resolve my addiction.
Once my baby arrived, the inner turmoil escalated. My focus shifted from caring for my child to an urgent need to shed the baby weight. I didn’t want to be another mom lamenting about postpartum pounds. Instead, I wanted to join the ranks of those who seemed to bounce back effortlessly, flaunting their figures just months after giving birth. The sobering truth was that I was a new mom grappling with an eating disorder that had haunted me for nearly two decades. I felt lost, questioning if this disorder was simply my identity.
Yet, there is a silver lining to my story. Years into motherhood, I’ve made significant strides toward healing. It wasn’t parenthood itself that triggered this change but rather the realization of where I wanted to invest my limited energy. Chasing after two toddlers while juggling part-time work and home responsibilities forced my food obsession to take a backseat. Prioritizing my family became essential, and slowly, the grip of my eating disorder loosened.
Of course, the nagging voice still lurks, particularly during meals and while navigating the grocery store. My heart races at the sight of indulgent snacks, and stepping on the scale often triggers anxiety about lingering baby weight. However, this time, I step off the scale and redirect my energy toward my children and partner. This is my focus now—what truly matters. I’ve finally discovered what it means to feel at home.
If you’re navigating similar challenges, remember there’s support available. For insights on your fertility journey, check out this resource. If you have experienced pregnancy loss and are seeking guidance, this site offers valuable information. Additionally, for those struggling with infertility, this support group could be a great help.
In summary, facing an eating disorder as a new mom is a complex battle that many endure. It’s a journey filled with challenges, but healing is possible. By prioritizing what truly matters—our families and well-being—we can navigate the path toward recovery.