While grocery shopping with my mother and my two daughters, I had a moment of reflection on family dynamics. My mom, who was visiting for one of my son’s birthdays, hadn’t seen my home in Utah since I moved away nearly six years ago. It was rare for just the two of us to be out together, especially surrounded by the bustle of the store.
As we navigated the produce aisle, my youngest, Lily, occupied the top of the cart while my older daughter, Emma, sat in the basket. My mother, in her early 60s, had short, dyed blonde hair and a sturdy frame, slightly shorter than I am at 5-foot-6. My wife was home with our son, who wasn’t feeling well.
While we searched for sweet potatoes, my mother asked, “Do you usually handle the shopping?” I replied, “Mel and I alternate based on our schedules.” She then noted, “I see you do the laundry, too.”
“Every week,” I affirmed. Her surprise was palpable. “I don’t understand why this is noteworthy. I just do my part.” She mentioned how my older brother was involved in some household tasks, too, and began reminiscing about my father, who never participated in such chores. Growing up, I hadn’t known him well; he left when I was 9, succumbing to addiction by the time I turned 19.
Interestingly, for years, my mother avoided discussing him, given the pain he caused her—financially and emotionally. It had only been in the last few years that she started to share memories without my prompting.
“I never really thought about it,” I admitted. “With Dad not around, I never had the chance to adopt his bad habits.” We moved on to the taco shell aisle, where she scrutinized the expiration dates—something I had never considered. “You should start checking those,” she insisted.
“Mel takes care of a lot of things I might traditionally be expected to do as a man,” I explained. “She manages our finances and navigated the mortgage process when we bought our house.” My thoughts drifted to my fears of becoming like my father.
When Mel and I first married, I worried that my only paternal example would dictate my path. But as I discussed with my mother how my parents had rigid gender roles, I recognized that my lack of a role model allowed me to build a more equitable partnership with Mel.
As we continued shopping, we talked about my daughters and my wife, and she continued offering advice on checking items. Despite not being particularly keen on her tips, it felt rewarding to see her take joy in sharing knowledge. We also touched on my father’s struggles, but the conversation kept returning to the ways I diverged from his example.
When we approached the dairy aisle, I asked a question I had pondered for a long time: “Am I a better father than Dad?” I hesitated, grappling for the right words. “I’m terrified of becoming him. I want to be present for my kids; I don’t want to repeat his mistakes.”
In the checkout line, my mom didn’t hesitate in her response. “Yes, you’re much better than your father.” Then, she paused, visibly battling the lingering bitterness toward him. “In the early years of our marriage, he was a decent man who tried hard. But by the time you knew him, he wasn’t a good father. You’ve become a great dad, Clint. Be proud of that.”
As we loaded our groceries into the car, the topic shifted away from my father, and we focused on my children’s lives and my laundry duties.
Driving home, I reflected on her words. I had always believed I was a better father than the one I had, but hearing her validation was reassuring. Many parents raised without positive role models share this uncertainty, often questioning if they will repeat past errors. It felt good to know that my efforts to create a nurturing home were recognized.
In conclusion, acknowledging my growth as a father was empowering. My mother’s insights not only highlighted the progress I’ve made but also solidified my commitment to being a supportive parent. For those navigating similar paths, resources like this fertility booster for men and Emily’s journey as a solo parent can provide guidance. Additionally, this excellent resource for pregnancy and home insemination is invaluable for anyone in need of support.