We sat in awe as our teacher recounted stories of the Virgin Mary’s recent apparitions in Eastern Europe. According to her, the world was on the brink of judgment day, and if we wanted to be saved, we’d need to pray an overwhelming number of Rosaries—every day. This wasn’t your typical “God will get you eventually” sermon. It was a full-on “prepare for the end, it could happen tomorrow” alarmist tale. We heard tales of three days of darkness where we’d have to stay locked in our homes, and if we dared to peek outside, we’d be struck dead from fear. The only source of light would be holy candles. It was a vivid depiction of hell unleashed.
This was quite different from what our Catholic school teachers told us as middle school students about the real-life inspiration behind “The Exorcist.” We were led to believe that genuine demonic possession was a reality, and that each diocese had someone tasked with performing exorcisms. One teacher even claimed to have dined with a former exorcist; the gravity of these stories was hard to ignore.
Unpacking the Message
Let’s unpack this a bit. On one hand, we were taught that Jesus loves us more than we could fathom. We are His cherished children. On the other hand, there was the looming threat of being cast into a fiery abyss at any moment if we didn’t adhere to the rules. “You choose hell,” our teachers would remind us, explaining that hell is eternal separation from God, and when you sin, you are actively choosing to distance yourself from Him. So, at the tender age of twelve, while grappling with my budding feelings for boys, I was left with the terrifying notion that God could cast me into flames at any moment.
Did I mention I also struggled with severe anxiety?
The Impact of Hell on My Childhood
I spent countless nights awake, consumed with fear. Did we have enough holy candles? No child should lie awake worrying about the number of candles they own. Research has shown that religious and spiritual affiliations can lead to feelings of guilt and anxiety, particularly when individuals feel pressured to meet the high standards set by their communities. And what middle schooler can possibly conform to the Catholic Church’s rigid sexual teachings? I’m not claiming that the Church’s stance on hell caused my anxiety disorder, but it certainly contributed.
Teaching children about hell conveys the message that love is conditional. The all-powerful Creator who loves them dearly could also condemn them to destruction if they stray from the prescribed path. This creates a troubling mindset for a child. It suggests that love is contingent on compliance.
If love can be withdrawn for failing to meet expectations, how can we expect children to interpret love in their relationships with others? This was the pattern I learned from my parents: love was withheld when I didn’t meet their standards, and this extended to my understanding of the Church’s views on hell.
Lingering Effects of Hell in Adulthood
My fears about hell followed me into my teenage years and manifested in typical Catholic behaviors: engaging in sexual activity, panicking afterward, and anticipating divine punishment. Even after I stopped attending church regularly, the anxiety persisted, often taking the shape of worries about unplanned pregnancy. Despite practicing safe sex, I was convinced I would face consequences for my “sins.”
If I were to become pregnant, I faced the dilemma of an abortion, which I believed would doom me to hell. I had internalized the idea that God would surely take notice of such an act. I felt trapped; my Catholic relatives would have disapproved of any pregnancy outside of marriage.
I’ll admit it: my husband and I chose to marry in the Catholic Church partly to avoid upsetting my grandfather. But fear of hell was also a driving factor. I couldn’t take that final step away from the Church, as it felt too perilous.
We both embraced Catholicism fully, yet I never found joy in it, only an exhausting cycle of striving to be good enough to avoid hell. I thought that as long as I made God and the Church happy, I could shield myself from eternal damnation.
A Reassessment of Christianity
I don’t have animosity towards Christianity; I believe in the teachings of Jesus. However, threatening children with hell is a misguided approach. Yes, I had predisposed anxiety, but using fear to control behavior contradicts the principles of gentle parenting. You can’t promote attachment parenting while simultaneously instilling a fear of demons in young children.
To foster a belief that everyone deserves love unconditionally, we must not teach that hell awaits for those who stray. This mindset leads to a lack of compassion where people are judged for their circumstances. If we teach children that poor choices result in punishment, they may learn to disregard the need for mercy.
That’s not the kind of mindset I want to cultivate in my child.
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Summary
The article explores the detrimental effects of teaching children about hell, emphasizing how it creates anxiety and conditional love. It critiques the fear-based tactics often used in religious education and advocates for a more compassionate approach that fosters unconditional love and acceptance.