By: Janelle Carter
Updated: Feb. 19, 2021
Originally Published: Jan. 5, 2018
I’m utterly drained. It’s not just physical fatigue; I’m mentally drained. Each day seems to bring a new burden that I must carry, making it a struggle to stand tall. As a single mother, my greatest wish is to find someone who can share this load or, at the very least, allow me a moment to set it down. Unfortunately, that option is not available to me.
Single moms are expected to shoulder everything around the clock. We rarely get a moment of respite. There’s no one else to rely on; we are our own support system and the sole caregivers for our children. I often hear well-meaning friends say, “I don’t know how you manage it all.” While I appreciate their concern, the truth is, if I don’t take care of it, no one will. This includes everything from grocery shopping and preparing meals to more complex responsibilities like paying bills and ensuring we have a safe home.
Since my son was born, I have sought jobs with flexible hours because childcare has always been a financial hurdle. My current role as a freelance writer means I am constantly hustling on top of my already busy schedule. For a time, I worked nearly every day of the week, with my son not yet enrolled in preschool. While I am fortunate to work from home, it can be quite challenging with a little boy treating me like a jungle gym. I often have to pause my work for playground visits, allowing him to release his boundless energy while I cherish our time together.
Navigating single parenthood and freelancing also means I’m perpetually anxious about finances. I maintain one consistent job but must juggle additional gigs to fill in the gaps. When payments are delayed, I find myself playing a game of chance with bills, deciding which to prioritize—rent, electricity, or internet. For some, the internet may seem like a luxury, but it’s essential for my work.
Managing smaller expenses is somewhat easier. I’m grateful for SNAP benefits, which help alleviate the grocery budget, a significant source of stress, especially with my son’s insatiable appetite. At just four years old, he’s already almost four feet tall and has endless energy.
People often ask—out of genuine concern—why my son’s father doesn’t contribute more. He, too, works long hours, but when he can, he takes our son to the playground or school to give me some time to focus on work or attend appointments. However, when my son is with his dad, I’m not lounging with a book; I’m usually grocery shopping or racing to meet deadlines.
Some may argue that because his father is involved, I’m not truly a single mom. But with him only taking our son for a few hours a week, I’m left handling nearly all of the childcare and financial responsibilities. So, to those who dismiss my struggles, I assert that I am, without a doubt, a single mother.
“You’re so strong,” they say. But I’m tired of being labeled as strong. I did not choose this strength; it’s a necessity for survival. I long for a partner who could recognize my struggles and encourage me to take a break, maybe even suggest a trip to the store without my son in tow. I yearn for the luxury of taking a shower during the day without worrying about the mess he might make or the chocolate he might eat. I wish I could spend leisurely afternoons with him, enjoying activities instead of constantly reminding him that “Mommy is working.”
I crave the comfort of having someone hold me when I’m feeling overwhelmed, instead of sobbing to a friend who lives thousands of miles away. I am exhausted from putting on a brave face, masking the turmoil brewing inside. I wish I could be honest when asked how I’m doing, but I don’t want to burden others with my struggles. My emotional load is already heavy.
I’m weary of being too drained to seek a partner. I despise the constant pressure to be everything for both myself and my son. It frustrates me when people call me strong, as if I have a choice. Weakness isn’t an option; if I falter, everything I’ve worked for could collapse.
In summary, the life of a single mother is often misperceived as solely one of strength. In reality, it is a continuous battle against fatigue and overwhelming responsibilities. This journey leaves little room for vulnerability or self-care, and the desire for partnership and support is a longing many single mothers share.