It’s often said that the only guarantees in life are death and taxes. As a somewhat responsible parent, I find it essential to share this wisdom with the three young ones in my home. We tend to avoid discussing the “death” aspect, but I’m more than willing to educate them about taxation, especially when Halloween arrives.
Every year, around 9 p.m. on October 31, after we’ve helped the kids out of their costumes and tucked them in, my partner and I sift through their Halloween candy haul. We claim it’s for safety reasons—looking for razor blades, illicit substances, or suspiciously wrapped candy that might have been given by neighbors in our otherwise secure suburban neighborhood.
Okay, let’s be honest; we’re swiping their treats. You caught us red-handed.
Eventually, the kids start to notice that their candy stash is disappearing a bit too quickly for our one-piece-per-day policy. At that point, my partner and I have to admit to our chocolate-related transgressions. This is when we launch into our Halloween Candy Tax (HCT) lecture, complete with a PowerPoint presentation and a spirited game of Candyland to ease the blow.
During the HCT discussion, we remind them that overindulgence in sweets can harm their teeth. We mention that our local pediatric dentist rewards kids who donate their candy, which is then sent to soldiers stationed overseas. We go on about health and how candy is just empty calories, blah, blah, blah.
Then we get down to business.
We explain to the kids that those who enjoy certain privileges must also contribute. As a family benefiting from various privileges, we pay taxes to our local, state, and federal governments. In our household, the kids enjoy the comforts of food, clothing, shelter, toys, and loving parents. However, these privileges come with a cost, and sometimes that cost is candy. It’s a foundational lesson about taxes—we have to teach them young.
We also reserve the right to impose a “sin” tax on their candy. Just like the government charges higher taxes on alcohol and tobacco, Mom and Dad take a little extra sugar when our kids exhibit less-than-ideal behavior. A tantrum at the store? That’ll be two Tootsie Rolls. A messy bedroom? That’ll cost you a Kit Kat. And wow, leaving a sippy cup of milk in the car for weeks? That’s going to set you back everything you collected on Oak Street.
As parents, we do a lot for our children. We prepare their meals, clean their rooms, instill proper manners, assist with homework, volunteer at their schools, drive them to activities, and shower them with love. We don’t demand much in return—just hugs, listening ears, tidying up, and avoiding the emergency room.
Sometimes our kids hit the mark, and life is smooth sailing, while other times, they owe a few mini-Snickers for that cheeky attitude. I’m perfectly fine with that and ready to enforce the annual Halloween candy levy whenever necessary.
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Summary
In this humorous take on parenting, the author reflects on the tradition of the Halloween Candy Tax, where parents “tax” their children’s candy as a lesson in privileges and responsibilities. The piece combines playful parenting tactics with a life lesson about taxes, all while maintaining a light-hearted tone.