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- Establishing Firm Boundaries with My Challenging Mother
by Jennifer Lee
Updated: May 9, 2019
Originally Published: May 8, 2019
“I can’t take this anymore. You really need to create some boundaries. After you spend time with your mom, it takes me a week to recover.”
I’d heard my partner, Mark, express this concern since we started dating years ago, but I never fully grasped the extent of my mother’s impact on my well-being. That realization hit home when I broke out in hives after agreeing to let her visit for a day with my kids, all while I sat on the couch feeling uneasy.
For years, I endured visits with my mother, often feeling frustrated during our time together, but I always rationalized that my discomfort stemmed from other sources. I convinced myself that I should be able to cope, as enough time had passed since our last encounter. I thought, “She’s not that bad,” and maybe it was me who was the problem.
Yet, every time I allowed her into my life, she would dig into my vulnerabilities, reopening old wounds as if she knew exactly where to strike. It was as if I kept inviting turmoil into my life, expecting to find peace instead.
After each visit, I would return home feeling depleted. Rather than being relieved our time together had come to an end, my body would tense up, bracing itself for the next obligatory meeting. I had begun to view seeing my mother as an obligation rather than a choice, and it was taking a toll on my emotional health and my family dynamics.
My relationship with my mother had been strained for as long as I could remember. As a child, I was often told I was too much—too loud, too inquisitive, too social. I distinctly remember the moment I confided in her about the abuse I suffered at the hands of my grandfather—her father. Instead of support, it was met with silence and avoidance, further damaging our already frail bond.
Over time, we tried to mend our relationship, yet it often felt futile. I frequently found myself in a cycle of hurt and frustration, especially after my partner pointed out how detrimental this situation was to my mental health and the overall atmosphere of our home. “Something has to change,” he insisted. “You either need to set boundaries or cut ties. This isn’t healthy for any of us.”
He was right. It’s a rare gift when someone you care about can offer an outside perspective, pushing you to reevaluate your situation for your own sake and that of your family.
I began to recognize my role in this complicated dynamic. For too long, I’d tried to suppress my feelings, particularly after becoming a parent. My mother would make passive-aggressive remarks about my appearance or choices, turning everything into a competition. I felt like I was being cornered, yet I had failed to set firm boundaries. Instead of asserting myself or asking her to leave, I’d stew in my discomfort until our time together ended.
When my children began noticing my discomfort and the emotional toll these visits took on me, it became clear that change was necessary. I realized I was not only negatively affecting my own health, but I was also demonstrating to my kids that it was acceptable to avoid confrontation and suppress their feelings. I was inadvertently teaching them to devalue their own emotions for the sake of someone else’s comfort.
It’s possible to desire a relationship with a family member without surrendering to the entirety of that relationship. I learned that I could cultivate a connection that fit within the boundaries I established. I found that brief visits were manageable and that having my children present helped alleviate some of the tension.
I began to communicate my discomfort directly to her, but without expectations regarding her reactions. Expecting toxic individuals to change is a futile exercise—like consuming poison and being upset when you feel ill. I made a conscious effort to focus on the positive aspects of our relationship and to limit discussions about the negativity she brought into my life.
The alternatives—continuing as we were or completely severing ties—wouldn’t have benefitted me. While she may not be perfect, neither am I, and I only have one mother. Moreover, she is the grandmother to my children, and they cherish their relationship with her. Their experiences with her are different from mine, and it’s essential to allow them the space to form their own connections without the burden of our past conflicts.
I feel confident in my decision. Should I observe any unhealthy behaviors that affect my children, I will address them accordingly, even if it means reevaluating our relationship.
Currently, I find myself in a much more positive space. Navigating this complexity wasn’t easy, but the effort I invested—without expecting my mother to change—has proven worthwhile. No more hives, no more anxiety, just clear communication and a focus on the good.
It’s liberating to enjoy family gatherings again and not subject my loved ones to unnecessary stress.
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Summary
Establishing boundaries with a challenging parent can be daunting, but it is crucial for emotional well-being. Recognizing unhealthy dynamics, communicating discomfort, and focusing on the positives can create a healthier relationship. It’s possible to maintain a meaningful connection with family while prioritizing personal boundaries and mental health.