Feel free to judge me, but I can honestly envision life without children. Yes, even without my precious four-year-old daughter. There, I said it. Go ahead and throw stones if you must.
When my challenging, high-needs baby was around eight months old, I had a conversation with my manager, Mike. I asked him if he and his wife had planned for twins followed by a third child, or if it was a complete surprise. He replied it was unexpected, but he wouldn’t change a thing.
“Really?” I questioned, confused. How could he not imagine life without three children under six? Did he have a hidden stash of something? He looked at me as though I had just confessed to belonging to a bizarre cult.
“Well, I can,” I asserted. “I can vividly picture my life as it was before, and yes, I would welcome that back.”
Being the respectful person he is, Mike let my seemingly selfish views on motherhood pass without argument. We decided to agree to disagree and moved on with our day.
As time went on, I noticed a pattern. Parents who had children unexpectedly seemed unable to even consider the thought of life without their “perfect” bundle of joy. I could only think of two explanations for this apparent delusion: either they were so sleep-deprived they couldn’t think straight, or their partners were handling all the nighttime duties while they lounged with snacks and reality TV.
I could imagine my life—if only for a few minutes—without my little one. I remembered those uninterrupted nights spent watching reality shows, late-night snacks after spontaneous outings with friends, and the joy of sleeping through the night without an infant disturbing my peace. Oh, how I longed for those days again.
But it goes further. If I allowed myself to, I could recall the invigorating runs with my dog along the familiar three-mile loop, free from guilt or the need for a babysitter. Those carefree bike rides, with the wind in my hair and my thoughts unclouded, felt like a distant memory. Sometimes, I even romanticized my previous life, making it seem far better than it was.
Do I love my daughter? Absolutely. Would I ever put her in harm’s way? Never. I would do anything to protect her—after all, I’ve devoted the past three years to her. I’ve sacrificed sleep, some of my health, and much of my free time. Yet, I willingly made those sacrifices because my love for her runs deep.
Still, I can’t help but ponder when parents say, “I wouldn’t have it any other way.” I find myself asking, “Would I?” If given the opportunity to turn back time, would I choose a different path? Would I trade my brilliant, creative, and entertaining child who sees me as the center of her universe for the freedom I once had?
When faced with this question, I always pause. I can vividly picture the life I once lived, filled with joy, freedom, and a carefree existence centered around me. Honestly, it wasn’t so bad.
For more on navigating the journey of parenthood, consider checking out this insightful post on couples’ fertility journeys at Make a Mom. If you’re exploring single motherhood, Sarah’s journey offers valuable insights. Additionally, if you’re looking for more information on pregnancy and home insemination, the Cleveland Clinic is an excellent resource.
Summary:
The article reflects on the complexities of motherhood, acknowledging the love for children while also remembering the freedom of life before parenthood. It highlights the internal struggle many parents face when considering their pre-parenting life versus their current responsibilities.