Dear Facial Region,
It appears I need to remind you of something crucial: I am not a man. I have no desire for a beard or any of those errant patches of hair you’ve taken to growing. Seriously, let’s put an end to this.
I understand that perhaps you’ve always wanted to be a scalp, and are simply taking your one shot at it. We all have aspirations, but let’s be clear—my aspirations do not include resembling Dr. Phil or anyone else named Phil, for that matter.
I’ll admit I overlooked the eyebrow situation, despite them resembling two caterpillars on my forehead. Once I discovered tweezers in high school, I was able to achieve the same slender brows as any respectable 90s girl, and for that, I was grateful. It was the only facial hair upkeep I had to manage, and honestly, high school was tough enough without an unwanted mustache. I wanted to attract the attention of teenage boys, not have them notice my burgeoning facial hair.
Then adulthood hit, and things changed. The days of dealing with eyebrows were child’s play. I’m not sure if it was hormonal changes or if my face was seeking revenge for all those plucked brows, but suddenly, I found myself with a full-blown beard. A few stray hairs would have been manageable, but no—what I received was a complete chin rug. I’ve even noticed that, after four pregnancies, I might just be able to grow a better beard than my husband. Perhaps one day, it’ll be fashionable enough—or I simply won’t care enough—to embrace it, but today is not that day.
And that’s not the end of my concerns. Despite your newfound talent for fostering chin hair, I never thought I’d have to deal with a mustache as well. That changed one morning while carpooling to the gym with my friend, who casually asked, “Do you ever wax your upper lip?” It seemed innocent enough, but I could sense the implication. So, I took her not-so-subtle hint to heart and began waxing my upper lip.
A couple of weeks ago, I stumbled upon something even more shocking: I found three coarse black hairs on my neck. Seriously, Neck? You too? It’s one thing for my face to betray me; it’s another for my neck to join the rebellion.
I can’t keep up with the hair removal game anymore. Chin, lip, brows—if my eyelashes start acting up, they’ll be next on the chopping block. I’m thoroughly exhausted from growing hair everywhere except where it’s supposed to be. You’re free to halt this rogue hair growth at any time. Perhaps you could focus on the wrinkling instead?
I’m not thrilled about that either, but at least it’s part of your duties.
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In summary, it’s time for my face to stop attempting to sprout unwanted hair. I’m fed up with the surprises and just want to focus on the natural aging process—one that doesn’t involve excessive hair growth.