Is a picture really worth a thousand words? Take a look at this recent snapshot of my life—it’s brimming with themes of confidence, joy, and aspiration. Yet, if you look a little deeper, you’ll discover a stark reality: this image is misleading. I am struggling, truly struggling.
I have depression. There, I’ve said it.
For the past several months, I’ve been grappling with debilitating sadness, feeling as if I’m at the end of my mental tether. As the holiday season approaches, the reminders of what I wish my life could be only amplify my deep feelings of despair. I can’t shake it. Today, I am bravely hitting publish, unveiling my true self to the world. Depression isn’t always visible; it can wear a perfectly normal façade.
Writing serves as my therapy. I’ve been told I have a way with words when I write them down, but why discuss my struggles with depression? After all, I seem to have it all: a loving family, a thriving small business, and countless blessings. I should be enjoying the best years of my life. Yet, I find myself spiraling into darkness, hiding behind the guise of a blogger, mother, daughter, and friend. The reality of my depression is a chaotic mix of emotions.
The Facade of Happiness
Social media allows us to curate the lives we want to showcase. I can snap a picture that reflects a woman brimming with happiness and self-assurance. But the moment I click “post,” my mood can plummet.
I’m deceiving myself and others.
The “perfect” life displayed online is merely a glimpse of what I wish to present. I don’t share images of myself curled up in bed, too fearful to get up. I don’t post videos of my tears or the arguments I provoke with my partner. Instead, I selectively share a version of myself that fits what I think people want to see: a normal mom, busy yet thriving, because who wants to witness someone struggling?
The Quiet Struggle
It’s easy to conceal secrets and fears behind a shy demeanor. I often fade into the background, avoiding the spotlight. Interacting with strangers fills me with anxiety, and I have to mentally prepare myself to engage with the outside world. Yet online, I radiate energy, sharing snippets of my life with followers who anticipate my updates on family and humor. This facade creates an illusion of confidence and lightheartedness, which I crave.
This year has brought heartache, causing me to retreat from the world. I’ve lost friendships, and in my thirties, making new connections feels daunting. Perhaps it’s because adulthood comes with expectations or because I fear becoming a bad friend. At this moment, I lack the desire to open up to anyone new, preferring to keep my distance, smile politely, and discuss trivial matters while hiding my real feelings.
The Reality of Motherhood
“You’re such a good mom.” Yes, I love my children—they are kind and beautiful, and I cherish being their mother. However, what you don’t see is my short temper and frequent tears. I find myself overwhelmed by “normal” parenting duties, and my house is often chaotic. The organized, multitasking mom I once was is crumbling under the weight of daily responsibilities. Depression seeps into every aspect of life, turning simple tasks into monumental challenges.
I feel like a failure.
This year, I experienced a miscarriage. I kept it to myself due to the shame I felt as a mother, the one who is supposed to nurture and protect her children. I let that child down, and now, the longing for what could have been weighs heavily on my heart. I feel like I’ve failed as a parent, and the sadness is profound.
A Businesswoman’s Burden
As my own boss, I enjoy the flexibility of my schedule and have built my blog from the ground up. I’m on track for my most successful year yet, having traveled, met inspiring individuals, and launched exciting campaigns. Yet, despite these achievements, I feel utterly alone.
I bury myself in work, thinking that more effort will bring me happiness and success, but it only masks the loneliness I feel. The truth is that accomplishments mean little without someone to share them with.
The Strain on Family Life
This loneliness extends to my family as well. My dedication to my work often comes at the expense of family time. I turn down opportunities for closeness in favor of completing tasks. Why invest in emotions and connections when I can deal with emails and online interactions?
But the consequence? I’ve distanced myself from my loved ones, fearing that my struggles will hurt them. I often find myself in emotional turmoil, oscillating between yelling and crying. I worry about the damage I’m causing to my family, leading me to isolate myself further. That ideal family portrait feels distant.
A Shattered Confidence
I may appear confident—well-dressed, styled hair, the perfect selfie smile—but beneath it all, I feel anything but self-assured. My faith has faltered; I am no longer the strong, reliable person my friends turn to. I find myself seeking answers, pouring over books, praying fervently, and questioning everything. I’m left wondering about the future and if I will ever find a resolution to my struggles.
To Those Judging from Afar
I did not write this to seek sympathy or answers. I want to reach out to anyone facing similar battles this holiday season. You are not alone. Depression is a real and debilitating condition, often intensifying during the holidays. If you’re struggling, remember that I stand with you. The feeling of despair can be overwhelming, but we are in this together.
The crux of it all? Depression can manifest in many ways, often hidden beneath a veneer of normalcy. I don’t have all the answers. I know I need to make changes, but I often feel paralyzed. I understand the need for help, yet asking for it is a challenge. There are days when I feel completely overwhelmed, but seeking therapy is a step forward.
So, this holiday season, be mindful of those around you. Depression may be lurking closer than you think. Listen, be present, and show love.
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Summary
In this heartfelt reflection, Maria Steele opens up about her struggle with depression, challenging the facade of happiness often portrayed in social media. She candidly discusses the disconnect between her public persona and her inner turmoil, revealing the difficulties of motherhood, work, and personal relationships amid her battle with mental health. By sharing her story, she aims to connect with others who may be facing similar challenges and encourages understanding and support during the holiday season.