About a year and a half ago, I shared my experience of choosing to take medication for anxiety and depression after reaching a breaking point. The change was transformative; I felt like a new person, revitalized and improved. The origins of my struggles remain unclear—perhaps it was becoming a mother at 18, navigating difficult family dynamics, or battling undiagnosed eating disorders since my teenage years. Whatever the cause, I know one thing for certain: the medication I took saved my life.
What many readers didn’t realize is that shortly after that initial success, I made the choice to stop taking my medication. I had gained 10 to 12 pounds, and for me, that was unacceptable. I irrationally prioritized my weight over my mental well-being and skipped my follow-up appointments.
Months later, I sought another medication that wouldn’t affect my weight. I tried it for a few weeks but ultimately stopped, fearing weight gain once again. It seems absurd now, but I’d rather endure depression and anxiety than face a few extra pounds.
Then, in January 2021, I hit a new low—truly rock bottom. Feeling lost, anxious, and suicidal, I returned to my doctor and asked for the very medication I had previously avoided due to weight gain. I realized that I would rather be “overweight and happy” than continue to wallow in misery.
During the time I had stopped my medication, I found myself contemplating ending my life more than once. I envisioned tragic scenarios and wrote letters to my family, hoping for an “accident” to relieve them from the burden of my existence. I felt anger towards myself, lashing out at my loved ones, and crying alone in my car. I was trapped in a cycle of shame and pride, too scared to seek the help I needed.
In January, I called my doctor’s office and pleaded to be placed back on medication, admitting that I did not know if I would still be here in six months without it. I told them, “I’m willing to gain weight if it means I can feel better.” The thought of my children growing up without me filled me with dread. I could picture my husband and family in anguish, and I knew I had to fight for my life.
Despite my ongoing shame about my mental health struggles, I eventually confided in my husband about returning to medication. It was hard to admit to my parents, fearing their worry, but I knew I needed their support. I felt stuck, believing that my feelings of despair were normal, but I learned that they were not. Living with daily suicidal thoughts is not something everyone experiences, and realizing that was a revelation.
I was overwhelmed with feelings of hopelessness, guilt, and sadness, even with a life many would consider good. I felt empty and angry, convinced that my world was crumbling. Recently, I returned to my doctor and acknowledged that the previous medication wasn’t effective anymore, so I’m now on a combination of antidepressants, anti-anxiety medications, and a sleep aid.
I’ve learned to embrace my need for medication and support. I want my children to remember me as a joyful mother, not one consumed by anger or sadness. I deserve happiness, and I am determined to achieve it. At 26, I realized that I couldn’t recall a time in adulthood where I felt truly happy.
I want to shout from the rooftops: seek help. You are worthy of it. Life is challenging, and being a parent or partner can be overwhelming. But remember, you are not a burden, and there is support available. You owe it to yourself to pursue happiness and to live a fulfilling life. You are not alone, and it’s important to keep fighting.
For more insights on this topic, check out this article and this resource for guidance on mental health. If you’re exploring family planning options, this authority can provide valuable information.
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Summary:
This article reflects on the journey of accepting the need for psychiatric medication after grappling with anxiety and depression. The author shares personal struggles, including feelings of shame and hopelessness, before ultimately embracing the necessity of medication for a happier life. The message emphasizes the importance of seeking help and recognizing that one is not alone in their struggles.