As a parent of a child who has always been a bit challenging, I found myself often questioning my own abilities. My firstborn, whom I’ll call Leo, arrived into the world with an undeniable intensity. From the very start, he seemed to carry the weight of the world in his tiny fists, literally born with one clenched by his head. In those early weeks, we would watch him sleep, occasionally witnessing him shake that little fist as if to express some discontent.
At first, we chuckled, wondering what could possibly be bothering him. But as time passed, it became clear that there were numerous grievances on his list. He fought against being swaddled, resisted baby carriers, and attempted to escape his Baby Bjorn as a mere infant. Sleep? Well, let’s just say he had a strong aversion to it—he struggled to fall asleep and vehemently opposed every nap we tried to enforce. By the time he hit two, we had more or less surrendered to the idea that naps were no longer in our future, even if he desperately needed them. Fast forward to today, and nearly 13 years later, he still battles with falling asleep.
The Weight of Judgment
Being the parent of a child with such challenges can lead to a heavy dose of self-blame. Surrounding judgments only amplify this feeling. I still vividly recall one afternoon when Leo, around three years old, threw himself onto the sidewalk in front of our apartment, sobbing because it was time to head home. Our neighbors, enjoying their iced tea from lawn chairs, voiced their discontent with his behavior. One woman suggested that I “give that kid a good slap on the behind,” a remark that ignited my anger; I firmly believe in gentle parenting, as supported by research emphasizing that spanking is ineffective and harmful.
Despite my convictions, her comment struck a nerve, leaving me to question if my parenting choices were somehow at fault for Leo’s temperament. The turning point for me came a few years later with the birth of my second son, whom I’ll name Max. While I love both my sons equally, Max is, well, simply easier to manage. He shares Leo’s spirited nature but lacks the same overwhelming intensity. Max is more easily comforted and falls asleep without a hitch.
Understanding Temperament
Reflecting on my experiences with both boys, I realized that my parenting approach hadn’t diverged between them. I employed what’s often referred to as “gentle parenting,” focusing on natural consequences and nurturing discussions instead of punitive measures. I aimed to approach both children with kindness and patience, redirecting them as needed—though this was more effective with Max than with Leo.
Research shows that children are born with their temperaments, and accepting this about Leo was a crucial realization for me. It not only alleviated my feelings of inadequacy but also improved my parenting skills. I started having open conversations with Leo about his challenges, brainstorming coping strategies together. We’ve worked on making sleep a smoother process for him, exploring solutions like meditation and breathing exercises tailored to his needs.
Leo’s early years were undoubtedly the hardest, largely due to my struggles with sleep deprivation and my difficulty in accepting his nature. I hoped that if I just tried the right techniques—which I certainly did, minus spanking—I could somehow “fix” him.
A Blossoming Journey
Today, I’m proud to say that despite those tumultuous years, Leo has blossomed into an incredible young person. He remains intense, perhaps always will, but he is also the most intelligent and humorous preteen one could meet. His self-awareness and reflection on his struggles are admirable traits that I believe will carry him far.
It’s often said that children like Leo—those who are seen as difficult—are exceptionally gifted. While that may be true, for us as parents, they serve as profound teachers. They remind us of the importance of love and acceptance in life and parenting, no matter the challenges they bring. And through all the stress and frustration, we love these passionate souls fiercely, just as they are.
Further Reading
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Conclusion
In summary, parenting a challenging child can lead to self-doubt, but acceptance and understanding of their unique temperament is key. This journey not only fosters personal growth but also strengthens the bond between parent and child.